Hi everyone and welcome to today’s podcast. Today’s conversation centers on the lived reality of sudden and unexpected loss—the kind that changes everything in a single moment. I’m joined by Britta Wilson, who speaks with honesty, depth, and even humor about what it means to continue living after the sudden death of her husband, Jeffrey. Britta provides us with a very realistic metaphor to understand sudden loss when she describes the onset of her grief as landing in a world that looks familiar yet feels unfamiliar. In this interview we explore her traumatic grief, secondary losses, how relationships shift after death, and what true support actually looks like in the aftermath of loss. I’m grateful to share Britta’s voice, wisdom, and generosity with you today.
Jennifer Levin
All right, Britta I am so pleased to have you here with us today. And let's just start off by having you introduce yourself, tell the listeners a little bit about you.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Sure I am I'd love to say that I'm happy to be here, but the circumstances that have me here or not happy, but I am happy that if by that experience, it's helpful for someone else, then I'm grateful for that. So my name is Britta Wilson and I am the widow of Jeff Uter. My husband passed in April 2021 tragically, in terms of it being suddenly and unexpectedly, and it has put me on what I now describe as Planet shit hole, as a permanent resident.
Jennifer Levin
I didn't have to ask you geographically, where you live.
Britta Wilson-Uter
I have, I have, I have named this place where you are immediately dropped and find yourself in a unfamiliar, familiar place. I've titled it Planet Shithole. And the reason why I've done that, Jennifer, is because there are things about this planet, this place, that look and feel very familiar, but that is the illusion of it, because your life is so dramatically changed that it's no longer familiar. So it's this weird. I think it's an oxymoron, but it's familiar, but very unfamiliar, because it's a place that you've never been before.
Jennifer Levin
First of all, an amazing name, but hearing and very apropos, but it also kind of reminds me like of a Twilight Zone episode, which is obviously not just a single episode, but when you say being in this brand-new place, but it kind of looks like it's very familiar.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Yeah, it's familiar because your life, you know, as much as the person who's experienced the loss is immersed in the grief and the loss and the navigating what's normal, everything around you is the same, except for this massive seismic shift, which is the loss that you're navigating. But everything looks the same. The sky looks the same, your block, your street, your home, for the most part looks the same, except for, so it's that that except for, that makes it so unfamiliar. And that's the Twilight Zone nature of it, I think for me,
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, absolutely. Well, before we get into a little bit some of the specifics of your journey, tell us about Jeffrey, your husband. Who was he as a person? What did you love most about him?
Britta Wilson-Uter
I don't think we have enough time on this podcast. Let me. Let me.
Jennifer Levin
I almost said that.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Yeah, you know, I think everybody's person is a special person, and I think we all think they're a special person, and that's why they're our person. So my person was, I think, a very special person, but like everyone else, had his, you know, idiosyncrasies and things like that. We would oftentimes call him a CRUD mudgeon Because he the kids, and I would call him a CRUD legend because he was very set in his ways. Jeffrey was very even now saying was still kind of rings hollow. Was very clear headed and very resolute on everything, and very decisive to the point that when I first met him, the day that I very first met him, I think we were like two hours into hanging out with other friends, and he looked over at me very casually and said, You're going to marry me one day, and you don't know it. And I was like, Dude, I don't even know your last name like, wow, let's get a clue. But well, obviously he ended up being right, because five years later, we were married. I think it certainly is emblematic of just his clear headedness, his precision, his just knowing who he was and what his expectations of life were and how he would navigate life. Huge heart would do anything for anyone, but also a bit of a CRUD mudgeon, like very like, you know, don't mess with his remote, you know, like all these little things I don't you know, the kids and I were notorious for wanting to steal his socks because we could never find a mate to ours or whatever, and he'd be like, leave my damn socks. Oops. Leave my damn socks alone. You know, don't touch my things. So from that perspective, you know, obviously very normal. I think that when people pass, there's always a possibility of what I call popifying the person. And we're right where people tend to forget, like the person was human. And so we try to make this, you know? We try to make them perfect, right? And I'm very clear headed about he would get on my nerves about things, you know? He would. It's literally like a running joke in our family. Jeffrey would wait until the last minute. So very clear headed. So he would know he was going to do something, but he would wait till the last minute to do it. So as an example, I would say, Hey, I'm going to go, you know, visit the girls in New York or something. And I'm going to go on this day because I have to go for work or whatever. Do you want to join me? And he would be like, well, when are you going? You know, he'd look up over the top of his of his eyeglasses, over his laptop, with the eyebrow up, and he'd go, Wait, bear, when are you going? And I would tell him. And he went, Oh, bear, I can't think about that. That is too far in advance. It would literally, Jennifer, be like, 10 days from now. And that was too far in advance for him to think about. And so instead of being prepared and buying the ticket, you know that wouldn't cost $5,000 he waits till, you know, he could get it on his register, on his punch list, because he was an engineer by education and training. So once it got to the top of his punch list, then he would address it, which could be 48 hours before the time the flight was going to rise or depart. So again, those are the idiosyncrasies. And so I think the attempt to, oftentimes, in our grief and in our loss, to popify the person is, you know, this attempt to make them larger than life and more perfect and less flawed than we all are.
Jennifer Levin
You just make me smile when you talk about him.
Britta Wilson-Uter
We smile, the kids and I smile when we talk about him, because he was, I mean, just the Jeff, the Jeffrey isms and the stories, I mean, like everybody, right? Just all of these things. He would, the kids were all home for Thanksgiving, and I don't remember which one of them, one of them was standing in front of the refrigerator, refrigerator with the door open. And so Jeffrey would when they were kids, and they would do that, he would yell, penguins. And so the kids would be like, penguins, and he'd like, you keep the damn door open long enough and all the penguins are going to show up because it's so cold. And so, you know, one of the kids was standing in front of the refrigerator, and the other one yelled from the family room, penguins. And we all started cracking up.
Jennifer Levin
You mentioned in your introduction, obviously, that his death was sudden and unexpected. Can you share just a little bit about what happened and then what it was like to have your life change in that single moment?
Britta Wilson-Uter
So we were coming out of covid So April. 7, 2021, we're coming out of covid, and one of the things that Jeffrey and I would do, just in general for exercise, is walk. And so because we were both working from home that particular morning, that Wednesday morning, I walked by myself. And I got up and walked, first came back and was getting ready to do meetings. And then he was going out on his walk, and he was, it was the normalist Wednesday ever. I came out. I came back from my walk. We live on a golf course, and there were, as I was walking up the pathway to the front door, there were two geese. There were two of them on the kind of the T of the first hole. And as I walked up and I saw them, I saw them. I was like, well, that's really weird. I've never seen you see everything on the golf course, but I had never seen, and they were very loud, like they were whatever noise, geese’s make, whatever they're very loud. So I walked up and I saw them when I was like, Oh my God, when I get in the house, I'm going to tell Jeffrey, excuse me, that there are these geese. Well, by the time when I came into the house, I walked through, and I saw that the back, the back sliders were open, which meant he was outside. So I walked out, and he was already out there, and he was videotaping them. And so I was like, Well, we were having this conversation, but like, Oh, I've never seen this before. You know, we've seen coyotes. He's seen snakes on the golf courses, etc., etc., but we've never seen these geese, and they were very loud. And so he said, he's like, Yeah. He goes, I don't think I've ever seen them, you know, on the first hole like this. And we kind of commented about it. And he said, Yeah. He said, Didn't you know that geese? I'm going to butcher the story now. But essentially, he was like, you know that they travel in pairs, and they're very familiar. And so, like, the couple stays a couple for the lifetime, and I'm literally, like, standing there talking to him while he's video recording this, and I'm rolling my eyes because it's classic Jeffrey. Like, how do you know this? And are you making this up? Like, where, where did you get this little factoid from? But Jeffrey knew a little bit about everything and a lot of bit about many things, and so. Like, rolling my eyes. Jennifer, like, yeah, of course. And he's like, yeah, no, really. He goes, and if there, if one of the couple loses their mate, then the community surrounds them and supports them, so that that part, that geese, that goose, doesn't feel abandoned. And again, I'm like, whatever. Like, I'm literally doing the W with the fingers, like whatever, right? And so obviously that moment became more material as the that day went on. But so I came upstairs, I, you know, got dressed. We chatted while I was getting, you know, showering and getting dressed and stuff. And he was on the phone with our oldest daughter in New York, chatting, and we had just said the weekend before that, we were going to switch up our walking route, because with covid, everything became quite mundane. And so he was on the phone with her, as he was getting ready to leave was saying, I'm not sure which route I'm going to take. Which one should I take? Should I take the route that's like, five miles, or should I take the route or, like, four three miles, or should I take the one that's five miles? And so they were chatting. I came down, did my calls, and literally, two hours later, we get notified by the Sheriff Department that he had gone, he had had some type of medical emergency, and they had taken to the hospital, and that we could, you know, go to the hospital, and because it was post covid, the sheriff's officer was telling my other daughter and I that they had called ahead to tell them that we were coming. And so we were like, Okay, great. And they said, and because I know who Jeffrey is, and because I know how he would do multiple things and multitask, the first thought I had was, he did, he walked. He was on his phone, not paying attention, listening to music, and probably walked into a pole, or he came off the curb and hurt his leg, or something like that. Again, I'm thinking it's nothing significant, and certainly not like loss of life level. And so we were sitting at the door talking to the sheriff's deputies, and just as I'm like, Okay, what hospital and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what there was a male and a female. The male looks at me and he says, yes, when we took him, he was non responsive. And I just remember, like those. I can't even hear the word non responsive right now, and it does not trigger me, because it just because, in my mind, I had made the decision that he had just fallen off the curb. He had twisted his ankle. He had walked into the, you know, the light pole or whatever. So non responsive. I'm like, what the actual heck are you talking about? So he suffered a widow maker on his walk, and fortunately, was seen by several people, and there was paramedics close by, and the sheriff's deputies who came to the house were close by, and he literally was walking, hit the ground pass, and was at the hospital within like, four minutes or something. So that was, that was the day, and so we went to the hospital. And obviously, you know that horrible experience of the reality of he is gone, and this day is very different. This day is this day has taken a turn like I did not ever anticipate. I don't know that I've told you this story. I think I did, but I'll tell it for the purposes of this so, you know, go through that process, and I had driven his car because he had walked that morning. So my daughter and I hopped in his car and went to the hospital, and so as we had been there for a while, and, you know, attempted to say our goodbyes, which I don't know that you ever really do, but that's a whole other topic. But anyway, we get in his car to drive back home, and I have his phone, and, you know, his personal effects, which is just crazy to say, and I start the car, and the song that is playing, which means the song that he was listening to when he passed, was the song that we, was a song that was played with your first song when you get married. Yeah, they call that first song. That was the song that was playing. And so my daughter and I are sitting in the car, literally stunned from the grief and numb from like the reality, but now stunned from the fact that the first song that we hear is the song that he and I first danced to as husband and wife, 35 I don't know, 35 years earlier or something like that. So that was the day. Oh my gosh, that was the beginning of the day.
Jennifer Levin
And when would you say you moved to Planet Shithole?
Britta Wilson-Uter
I moved to Planet Shithole. I think, I think I moved to Planet Shithole when I was walking into the hospital. Because, as I was walking into the hospital, I knew, I just knew that between the unresponsive, the non-responsive, and just the feeling that I had in my spirit. I knew that this was not him falling off a curb. I knew that it was not good, and, in fact, life changing. So I think that is when I got my citizenship on Planet Shithole, but I couldn't articulate that. That's what I had called it, until, I don't know, months, days later, but I literally was just describing to someone. Someone said to me, you know, who knew me, was like, you know, how are you feeling? How does this feel? Like? Just trying to give me, get me to put words to it. And I said, I feel like I've landed on Planet Shithole. And that became the name and the moniker and my description of this experience. Now I have other friends, sadly, who've had similar experiences, and they say, yep, planet. It's a Planet Shithole day, we literally referred to it that way. I don't know, can you curse on your podcast?
Jennifer Levin
We are, yeah, all right, yep. Well, I think we have the title already.
Jennifer Levin
You shared with me that you planned a celebration of life for Jeffrey. And I've heard about a lot of celebrations of life, but yours really stuck with me. Talk about what you did and kind of what decisions guided how you set that day up.
Britta Wilson-Uter
So Jeffrey always said that he didn't want a funeral. He was like, I don't want anybody looking over me crying. I don't I don't want that. And he had family members who had been longtime morticians and all of that, but he was predisposed that he did not want that. He really would say, I want people to celebrate my life and who I was, and hopefully that I meant something to them. And so we knew that we just knew it like I've known it for probably as long as I've known him, that that was what he wanted. And so the kids and I decided, one that we weren't in any mental state to be able to do any type of anything, you know immediately, because of the shock of it all, and we host a pretty huge Thanksgiving every year at our home with family and friends. And so we decided that because family and friends would be in town, that we would have the celebration of life the weekend before Thanksgiving, and we would also do it at the golf course, because obviously he spent a lot of time. We literally bought this house because of the proximity to the golf course, so we decided we would do it there. And we wanted, as he would say, I want people to laugh and dance and I want people to do the things that we would do in life. And so that we that was the guiding, those were the guiding principles for planning the celebration of life. So we did kind of like, because of my experiences and where I worked. So he wanted it there to be music and dancing and fun and all of that. So because of my entertainment experience, we actually did kind of a mini documentary of interviews of people sharing their stories and their experiences about Jeffrey, and what I wanted to do in that was, I think oftentimes we know people from just one or two perspectives or dimensions, that we see them or we interact with them the most in the kids know them as their dad. They knew him as their dad and their mom's husband and the Son. But did they really know him as you know a professional, as, you know, a leader, as a whatever. And so we really wanted everyone to have a multi-dimensional perspective. And so we had people from all, many walks of life, from childhood friends to people that worked for him, with him he worked for, you know, friends, etc., be a part of the video that was then edited and put together. And so people, the way that the celebration schedule, the celebration of my schedule was, is that we'd show a snippet of the video, and then we'd have somebody give like, a live story about them. And all the stories were just classic Jeffrey. We didn't tell people what to say. We were just like, share your favorite Jeffrey story, which is what we Jeffrey had always said he wanted people to do. And so there were some stories that were expletive, because that would be classic Jeffrey. And there are other stories that were just very thoughtful, because that would be classic Jeffrey. And so it was, it was lovely. And then we had a local jazz band play that he loved, that had played for other celebrations for our family. And so it just felt very comfortable.
Jennifer Levin
You had a drink. Didn't you develop a signature drink?
Britta Wilson-Uter
We did. We had a, so every year at Thanksgiving, Jeffrey would start curating the this, what he would call happy juice. And so every Thanksgiving we would have Jeff's happy juice. And so in honor of him for the celebration of life, we created a happy juice drink, which was the signature drink from the for the celebration of life. And we gave people what the recipe was. And then we also, did excuse me, we also had a swag bag, kind of a gift bag, because there's a running joke that you don't come to our house and leave empty handed. And so we wanted to continue, no matter what you come for. You come for dinner, you come for whatever. And so we included in that things that were, you know, representative of who he was and who he encouraged others to be
Jennifer Levin
I remember the swag bag, but I also remember you sharing you wanted to have some information about grief in there.
Britta Wilson-Uter
So Jeffrey was a big learner and a big teacher. And so when you're immersed in this, when you arrive on Planet Shithole, you don't typically, particularly, if you arrive suddenly, you don't get tips and tools and strategies and insights. And so as we were, you know, six, seven months into this, by the time of the celebration of life, and we had learned some things about this grief process and this grief journey, we just felt, one that it would be it would be emblematic of who Jeffrey was to want to teach and share. And we also felt, I felt like, as I was navigating it, that it would be instructive for my family and friends to understand that, you know, grief doesn't have an expiration date or a timeline or use by date, right? And that, you know, I don't think Western society really understands how to grieve. I'm convinced of that, and how to manage, or how not manage. That's not the right word, how to support people who are grieving. It's, you know, okay, clock is ticking. Okay, looks like it's been long enough. And while no one said that to me, I've had others, you know, folks who've said that that was their experience. Or people are like, wait, are you still grieving? It's been three months, and you're like, wait, what? You know, I was this. This was my person. Whatever the relationship was for, you know, certainly longer than three months. And if, if the belief of grief is simply love displaced or love unhoused, then clearly three months would not be a sufficient time frame, or whatever time frame.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, I just love that you did that. Number one, because it was a way to honor him, but number two, to educate others. And I find so many times that it's those who are grieving who are left to educate everybody else.
Britta Wilson-Uter
And that tends to be and people again, because we don't know, you don't, you don't get a grief handbook at any point in life. And so what we were trying to do was just provide people with tips that one of the things that, literally, I found to be just not palatable, was when people would say, let me know what you need me to do. And I'm like, I am on Planet Shithole. I don't know what I'm doing on any given moment in any given moment, so I absolutely can't figure out what you should be doing. And I'm, to be honest, I'm a bit offended that you've added something to my to do list, because I now need to figure out something for you to do. So you feel like you're making me feel better. Make it make sense like that. Don't. Don't ask me that. Just do.
Jennifer Levin
I'm so glad you said that. I really am. It's something that I advocate for a lot. Don't ask somebody, because, like you said, they don't, you don't know and I love that you said, don't put it on my to do list.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Don't add anything. I just arrive at Planet Shithole. I do not know how to get across the street. The last thing I need to do is figure out how to give you something to do that's going to make you feel better when I'm still feeling like crap. So I appreciate it, and I certainly I'm not. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not poo pooing the intent. But again, if you don't know, then that's the question. That's the default, right? Tell me what you can do. Be directive. And I would say, and I've said to others, don't ask, just do because if it's wrong, you'll know about it. But chances are it's not going to be wrong. There's a greater chance that it's not going to be wrong, it'll be right and it'll be appreciated, then it will be something that's wrong. So just do
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, and just to follow that up, I'll say, say to somebody, is it okay if I Britta Wilson bring dinner over on Friday night, my kid's going to come over and mow your lawn. Can I pick up the kids from school? So just to give concrete suggestions for that. So I think that's great.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. Britta, your trash can is in, or I brought your trash cans in, yeah, like, or I'm taking them out. Whatever. Just do. Don't ask me, because I'm not going to think about, Oh, crap, it's Tuesday and I need to take the trash out. Because one, I don't think about it, because I'm in the throes of grief and living on Planet Shithole. And two, that was something that my person did. And oh, crap, I didn't even know the Tuesday was a trash day until I pulled out and saw the trash cans on the block. So, just do.
Jennifer Levin
So looking back at those, you know, in your initial time, what surprised you most about your experience, about how others showed up or didn't show up for you,
Britta Wilson-Uter
I'm convinced I should write a book about this, but so this is a little story. So right after Jeffrey passed, I had, have a huge just by design, and without any of this, I'm just very curious, and I need to understand stuff, and it needs to make sense to me and all of that. So a friend of mine had suggested that I do a collaborative kind of virtual by grief study that's rooted in faith. And so I said, Sure, absolutely. So I signed up for it. I went to the first session, and about 20 minutes into the first session online. The person who's facilitating it said, and we were all at different points of grief, you know, the grief journey and different losses. But the person who was facilitating it said, one of the biggest losses that you're going to face is not only the loss of whoever you're grieving, but not all, not all relationships and friendships survive death or something like that. And I literally looked at that screen and was like, that's really jacked up, but that's not me. Like, I know my friends are going to be super supportive. You know, I knew that our friends, I should say, are going to be super supportive and be present and engaged. Because, you know, we were just, I don't know, a week into it.
Britta Wilson-Uter
So it felt like that. And so when she was saying, the facilitator was saying, and I felt bad for those who were going to have a different experience. And so I was literally sitting here in this office on the call when she said that, and I wrote it down, and I think I actually, like, drew a little happy, sad face by it, because it was like, that's really unfortunate. Like, that's a that's a tragedy to lose your person and to be in grief mode and then to have these relationships and friendships do not survive. I was so bothered by it. When I finished the call, my kids are in the family room, and I got up, walked out of the office, and they were like, how was it blah, blah, blah. And I said, I guess it was good. I said, But God, she and I repeated what the facilitator had said, and the kids and I all kind of chuckled, and we were like, well, we know that won't be the case with us, and it was, in fact, the case with us. So, you know, the kids lost friends. I lost the several friendships that I thought would be present and supportive. People, just again. I don't, I don't think people know how to process grief. And I think there's a bit of particularly, and this isn't rooted in any science. This is the Britta Wilson universe of the world. So it could be all jacked up and wrong, because, remember, I'm looking at it from Planet Shithole, but I don't know, I think that when you lose a spouse, I think your couple friends look at you as different, and I think they look at the situation, particularly when it's sudden and unexpected, as if it could be contagious.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, I'm just going to say that.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Meaning that, oh snap, if it happened to them, it could happen to us. And just by some kind of proximity, I got to make sure that that doesn't happen, because I don't know how I would navigate it. And so again, the Britta Wilson view of the world could be wrong, but I think that a number of our couple friends ended up what I'll say is moving differently and interacting differently, in some cases, just glazing over the loss, like, Oh, you'll be back, oh, the sun will shine again, you know, no, girl not feeling like that, and I don't, I don't need you to, you know, attempt to sprinkle pixie dust on the situation. And I think that in those cases where we did lose it, right? I lost those relationships. And the kids also lost their, you know, some of their relationships. You know, two things I would say, one, that I think that family and friends want to return to regularly scheduled programming. They want you to get back to who you were in quickly. Right, because that's comfortable for them. Now, while that's a significant loss and painful, and you know, another injury or another wound, I will say that while that's painful, miraculously and thankfully, other people do step up and fill those voids. So I don't want anybody to think that the loss is is that's the end of the story, because that's not the end of the story.
Jennifer Levin
I'm so glad you point that out. So first of all, those were what we call secondary losses. You know, Jeffrey died, and then all of the loss of those relationships, people you thought were going to be there for you and didn't, those are just more grief, more losses on top. But I also am so glad you acknowledge people come that you don't expect as well. And it's not necessarily a consolation prize, because it's still grieving that, wait a minute. I thought these people would be here for me, but it is this, oh, my goodness, I never thought this person would show up. And, you know, yeah, I've said this many times, go ahead.
Britta Wilson-Uter
No, no, I say, and it's, it's, it's not a consolation prize. And so I'm glad you said that, because I would never want those who have shown up for those of us who are living on Planet, Shithole now, right? I would want, I would never want them to think that they were less than.
Jennifer Levin
They were more than.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Exactly, exactly, because these are people who have demonstrated a willingness and a desire to sit in, to stay on Planet Shithole with you, not to, not to fly in, sprinkle pixie dust and then get on the next thing smoking to leave. They're willing to sit there with you on Planet Shithole and in some cases, assume temporary residency, right? Like they become citizens of Planet Shithole because of their care and concern of you.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, dual citizenship. Also, I've said this before, but one of my colleagues used to say, grief rewrites your address book. She's now updated it to grief rewrites your contact list.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Exactly, exactly it really it without a doubt, does. And it's, I mean, I think about some of the relationships that have been lost now, and there's a tint of sadness, but it's book ended by the joy that I feel for those who have stepped up in ways that I didn't anticipate.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, you've talked about it. You've mentioned your kids several times. How has this relationship, or I should say, how has just read Jeffrey's loss reshaped your relationship with your kids or your family. What's that been like?
Britta Wilson-Uter
I think in some ways, well, I think the most important way is, is that it's reminded us of the fragility of life. And I know that sounds so happy that, of course, life is fragile, but I think it just puts it front and center. When you have that experience, there's no I'm going to do this tomorrow, or I'm going to address this later, because later might not come for that to be dressed right. So I think it, it has definitely shifted the time horizon for us. I think it's created some tighter bonds. I think it has also, I think created some additional stressors and strains. So I think it's been a hodgepodge. I mean, I think it's been everything and all of it all at once. You have a, you know, anytime you have this type of loss of someone that is so central to your family, you have that shared experience of it. So we all have that shared experience. So holidays, birthdays, random days, etc. You know, the text thread will be, you know, a picture of Jeffrey, or a Jeffrey ism or something like that, that can cause you to smile and cry all at the same time. And I think, well, so to give you a clearer answer, I think we've all learned to I think we've all as a family, we've collectively learned that you could hold grief and laughter at the same time, that's hold it in your hand at the same time,
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, and one doesn't diminish the other.
Britta Wilson-Uter
Correct?
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, yeah. So we're about five years out?
Britta Wilson-Uter
Almost five years in April, yeah, April 7.
Jennifer Levin
How would you describe your grief now? What still surfaces?
Britta Wilson-Uter
Everything I would say. I would say, I don't cry myself to sleep every night any longer, but there's still tears. I don't really someone said to me, you learn to live with the grief is basically what they say that, Oh, you don't get over it. You learn to live with it. There we go. So I think that that's just a part of it, right? So five years later, I'm just learning there's something new that I learn all the time related to the grief, but it's still, it's still the club that none of us wants to be in, and it's still the roommate that none of us wants to have, because how I describe it to others. I don't know if that answered your question.
Jennifer Levin
No, it did. It did. I mean, I mean.
Britta Wilson-Uter
I don't think that it really changes. I think that, I think that sudden loss has a way of again, the duality of it, right, like the unfamiliar and familiar Planet Shithole, that I can hold laughter and grief in my hand at the same time. I think that loss has a way of numbing you as well as making you hyper aware at the same time. So you feel like, you feel like, dang, that just happened, and there's a numbing that happens. But then your time horizon becomes hyper sensitive. So again, there's this, five years later, I think that I'm seeing more and more of the duality of grief and what the residue of that is.
Jennifer Levin
And in the beginning, there isn't that Yeah, but in the beginning, there isn't that duality here, just in grief full time. And so when you say it hasn't changed...
Britta Wilson-Uter
It's just raw and real at the beginning, yeah?
Jennifer Levin
So it's evolved. What I'm hearing, though, is you've been able to make space for other things in addition to the grief, even though the grief is still heavily present?
Britta Wilson-Uter
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you have to live. You're just living on planet shithole. You have to continue to live, and you have to continue to function. And I literally, I know Jeffrey would be like, Bear WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Get up and do blah blah blah, what? Stop tripping. I hear his voice on the throughout this process, where I've been like, I'm gonna stay in bed all day today, or which I have never done. And I'm not saying it's not, I'm not wearing it as a badge of honor. It's I've never done it. Because I could hear him saying, if you don't get up and go do blah, blah, like, what you know you need to do so you do have to continue to live, is the point there, despite the absence being so loud and despite you know what you experience.
Jennifer Levin
Let me ask, do you ever see yourself leaving Planet Shithole, or was that a one-way ticket?
Britta Wilson-Uter
I think it's a one-way ticket. God, that sounds horribly negative. And I said it quickly, I think it's a one way with the loss, and your ticket is stamped with the grief that it comes in. Your ticket is stamped with the balance of the familiar and unfamiliar. Maybe you leave, maybe. So I'm going to say that, then I'm going to change it a bit. So maybe there's a place where I don't know. I haven't envisioned it. But maybe, maybe in this journey, there's a place where you go to Planet Shithole and come back right? Maybe, I don't know, though, because I feel like it changed, that it's not going to be the same. And so the life you knew on planet Earth is because there's a part of you die when they die, right? You, who you were with them, dies you, and the roles that you had with them and the identities dies when they do, when they stop, when their heart starts breathing, that part of you also stops breathing. So I don't know, and I'm kind of giving a choppy answer here. I don't know that you really ever do leave. I maybe you visit and come back. I don't know, but I feel like because what, what dropped you there doesn't change?
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, it's something to definitely contemplate, and I want to check in with you in a couple more years to ask you this question again. But I'm also curious. Maybe there's another planet
Britta Wilson-Uter
I'm going to be curious, because I've never, it's a great question, because I've never even thought about, yeah, I've never thought about leaving. Like I just feel like it is, it's the dual citizenship, or it's the new citizenship,
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, yeah. So much great information, so much great insight today. Let me just ask you a final question. What advice would you give to someone who is just arriving on Planet Shithole has just experienced a sudden or unexpected death of their spouse? What do you want them to understand?
Britta Wilson-Uter
There's so much I would say, do not hold yourself up to society or your family or your friends’ standards of what grief should look like and how long grief should take, first and foremost. Second of all, I would say, be prepared to lose relationships. Because well, I thought I was unique in that. As I've talked to others, everybody's like, nope, that happened, yep, that happened that yep, absolutely. So be prepared for that, but also be prepared for and make room for new people to step up and step in, in ways that you didn't anticipate. I um, and that will to the earlier point that like, grief isn't a cookie cutter experience. And so don't, don't assume, don't consume it. When people say that, Oh, they're so and so lost somebody like you did. And this is what they're doing. Don't attempt to replicate somebody else's grief experience. And then the last thing I would say is just be kind to yourself, because I think that we oftentimes are so wounded and so traumatized and so grief laden, that we forget to take care of ourselves and just try hard to find something that will allow your heart to smile, and if it's a memory or a piece of clothing or whatever, just try to find something to allow your heart to smile.
Jennifer Levin
So well said, I am never going to open my refrigerator the same way again. I'm always going to think now Penguin, and I'm going to say penguins and smile and I'm going to smile,
Britta Wilson-Uter
Because then you keep the door open long enough, the penguins are going to feel like, hey, we got to go there. It's cold, right. It's a spot, yeah. So that's a that's a Jeffrey story for you penguins.
Jennifer Levin
Thank you for sharing Jeffrey with us today and your experiences. It's been such a pleasure to have this conversation. And like you said, actually wish I never had to do this podcast, but it's Britta Wilson bringing a lot of comfort to people. So thank you.
Britta Wilson-Uter
I would love to be able to say with honesty, I'm happy to do it because I'm not really happy to do it because of the circumstances, but I'm happy if it helps someone, because I think if we don't use these experiences to be helpful, then what was the point of the experience?
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, thank you again. Britta Wilson, such a pleasure.
Britta Wilson-Uter
You're very welcome. Jennifer,
Jennifer Levin
Okay, take care. All right. Bye.
Thank you, Britta, for your honesty, courage, and generosity in sharing your story, and thank you to our listeners for being here and bearing witness to this conversation. If you are living in the aftermath of a sudden or unexpected death and are looking for guidance and support, I invite you to visit www.therapyheals.com to learn more and sign up for my online Traumatic Grief Companion Course. Bye for now -
