Jennifer Levin
Hi Erin, and welcome. Thank you so much for being here today and agreeing to be on this podcast. So why don't we start off and why don't you just introduce yourself to everyone.
Erin Gaffney
Yes, hi Jennifer thanks so much for having me on. I'm super excited to be here my name is Erin Gaffney. I live in Athens, Georgia. I live with my partner Dameren and our 2 cats Tatum and Hobbes. I'm originally from Charlotte, North Carolina, where I grew up most of my life with my family, my mother, father, older sister, older brother and my twin sister and I have several passions, nostalgic crafting, travel, art but my biggest passion at this point in my life is helping others with their grief after loss particularly twins.
Jennifer Levin
Okay, well we're going to talk a lot about that today. So, today's conversation actually focuses on grief related to a very specific kind of relationship loss, one that I've never addressed in this podcast and that's grief after the death of a twin. I was so grateful when you reached out because this is such a unique specific loss and I know your story began nearly 25 years ago with the death of your twin sister, Sara, so why don't you tell us a little bit about Sara and your experience.
Erin Gaffney
Yes, so yeah Sara was my identical twin sister, and she was a beautiful, free-spirited person. We used to call her an urban fairy because she loved to travel so much and seek out adventure, and she was afraid of nothing. She sang opera and was very involved with the theater. She would pose for art classes for some very well-known artists, she loved art, music, anything beautiful, and she was my best friend. She was super witty and full of life. No one made me laugh like she did. And we also fought a lot because we knew how to get under each other's skin, very typical of twins. But yes, I miss her very much. She, unfortunately, when we were 23 years old, was killed in a car accident by a police officer who was speeding, 68 in a 35, not answering a call. At the time her boyfriend was my roommate, and they were turning left onto our street and this officer T-boned them and he killed her immediately and we had a civil case with the city. It was it was ugly; it was a sudden death; it was yeah very tragic.
Jennifer Levin
And yeah, did her boyfriend survive?
Erin Gaffney
Yes, he did. He had a broken leg but survived and healed from it. We are still friends to this day; he's like a brother to me and is also an artist.
Jennifer Levin
Oh boy, so 25 years ago and an unexpected death in a car accident, what was it even like for you when Sara died, I mean just an unexpected death of a family member of anyone is probably one of the worst experiences ever, but you said you had another sister, but this was your twin
Erin Gaffney
Yes.
Jennifer Levin
What was that like?
Erin Gaffney
My worst nightmare had come true. You know the wind was knocked out of me when I got the news the night of the accident when the police officers that were sent to tell me the news you know they knocked on the door and when they told me I just went numb it's like it's funny what the mind does when you hear and you just like that just went totally numb and I was in shock and just couldn't believe it, it was very surreal I kind of dissociated and for the first couple of months after we were just surrounded by people because we had this case with the city and with people all around it was very easy to say to stay to stay distracted for a while, but yeah, it's so hard to describe what happens in that moment when you find out that your twin sister your other half is gone forever. There were things like I wasn't allowed to see her my father wouldn't allow me to see her in the casket, so I never got that closure. I never got to say goodbye so for the longest time I just thought she was somewhere else you know she was in Europe somewhere having a good time and you know it's I just it was hard to accept.
Jennifer Levin
Absolutely you know you and I had a conversation to prepare for today and I noticed that when you talked about Sara and the two of you that you referred to, used us, “us”. So how did her death impact or affect your identity, your other half? I mean, talk a little bit more about that.
Erin Gaffney
When you're born into this world with a twin, that's all you know. You are bound to this person, and you grow up all your life being compared to each other, and you have to share everything, and everything that you do she is considered, and you don't but when you suddenly lose that twin, that person that you've been with all your life. It's like, who am I now? Yeah, I have to navigate the world. Being in this world without my twin, I am now a singleton, and it takes a while to get your head around that like you are no longer going to be, you know, compared to this person, no one's going to say which one's which anymore, and the other, you're never going to stand side by side again. And, you know, get the cute comments from people like, oh my gosh, you guys are twins. And, you know, just, it's always like, we were out in public together and just expecting to be identified as two. And when that's gone, I it's, it's just, I can't really even put it into words, and people don't understand it. After a while you have, they expect you to just think like a singleton, you know. But I mean, 23 years of having someone by my side that I identify with as my other half is gone. So that just doesn't go away.
Jennifer Levin
Absolutely and like you probably see yourself in comparison to her all of the time. I mean, it's one thing to look into the mirror, but it's another thing to have another person with you who looks like you, does things with you, thinks you know, I don't know if you had similar thoughts or felt things in similar ways.
Erin Gaffney
Yes, something funny is we would get our memories mixed up, weird things like that, like I would remember something happening to her when she swore it happened to me. We'd have these very detailed memories of something happening to the other one, very bizarre things like that, And, and just always in tune with each other very we could, we could read each other's thoughts,
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, and so suddenly, gone, yeah, how did sara's passing impact your your family as a whole.
Erin Gaffney
It was, it was very hard in the beginning, like I said, we had a lot of distraction. My mother was in shock. We went through the typical period of lots of people around and, you know, going through the motions. But as the years went on, my mother was obviously, as a bereaved mother, was having a very hard time, but I felt very invisible to her. We didn't know how to relate to each other. I couldn't relate to her what it was like losing a twin. She couldn't relate to me, what it was like losing a baby, and that was very hard, because I felt like I didn't have her support, and like we almost had, like this competitive grief going on, and we didn't want that, but it just kind of happened that way. So there was some heartbreak there. We just kind of repelled each other. My father just lived in a state of anger for a while towards the city of Charlotte, because, you know, this wrong thing had happened to his daughter, and he was, you know, pursuing whatever settlement from our case, but then my brother just kind of shut down, and my sister was into her religion, but yeah, everybody just kind of repelled each other. And ultimately, we didn't really feel like we were supporting each other. And I felt very, very lonely like as a twin, when you lose it when you think that you might get more support from your family members, when really that's oftentimes the opposite in cases like mine.
Jennifer Levin
I've often seen that, you know, not everybody's grief in a family gets along. You know, everybody grieves so differently, and it sounds like that might have been the case with your family, that you had a hard time kind of banning together to support one another.
Erin Gaffney
And in the case of my mother, who I loved her dearly, and I do not want to minimize her grief at all, but she was very much a needy person. She needed a lot of attention, and she would broadcast her death a lot, and I felt like I was in the shadow of Sara, like I was having to fill the void. And, you know, we go to restaurants, and there would be a picture of Sara with a candle in the middle of the table, and always this was very common. And then if we had, like, it was a lot,
Jennifer Levin
She would take the picture to the restaurant.
Erin Gaffney
Yes. And it was very excessive. I mean, I understand it's, it's great to have little legacy practices and whatnot, but it just made me feel very invisible and yeah, things like that were happening, like, if it was our birthday, she would, any gift that she would give me was more about Sara than it was about me. So this is just an example of what a twin might experience and loss, you know, with a parent.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah. Things that you know, these are new things for me to even think about. Yeah, what were some of the things that you did to cope during those times?
Erin Gaffney
So unfortunately, it wasn't pretty in the beginning. Well, again, with the distraction, we had a lot of people around. There were a lot of people that cared for Sara, but almost immediately, you know, people were coming around, and that kind of set the tone for the next 20 years, where I was doing anything to avoid feeling. I was socializing a lot, working a lot, partying a lot, anything to feel because I just didn't know how to deal with it, and I didn't know where to find the support that I needed. And it was funny, it was like for eight months, I was on this adrenaline rush where I didn't really feel anything much. I just kept going, going, going, and then bam, after about eight months that went that feeling went away, and I just was left with this loneliness and this insecurity that I'd never experienced before, and so just reaching for anything to fill the void. And yeah, I kind of went like that for the next 20 years, this whatever I could do to stay distracted.
Jennifer Levin
What changed? What shifted for you after 20 years?
Erin Gaffney
So when my mother passed, she got cancer, and right around that time, other things were falling apart. But yeah, I was still like, work was really stressful. I was still drinking a lot at the time. I was in a very stressful or abusive relationship, and just everything hit at once, and I had a mental breakdown, and my mother's death kind of reopened the wounds of Sara's passing, and that all came rushing back, and it was like this kind of this glorious thing that happened. It was scary at the time, but after my mother's passing and being in this very dark place, I decided I needed to start healing, and I needed to honor Sara and honor my mother and I remember Sara and I, this is also another very interesting twin thing. Sara and I used to have these conversations where we'd say, I want you first, because I don't want you to be left on this earth with all the crap that we may have to deal with if one of us passes away.
Jennifer Levin
So there was a little bit of a blip in our timing, so you would actually have conversations about who you wanted to die first?
Erin Gaffney
Yes, yeah. Usually you'd think it'd be the opposite, but we both thought it like I want you to go first so you don't have to deal with all the family stuff, all pain, all the loneliness and so yeah, she was, she's fine, you know, she's worried about me and those conversations - we promised each other that if that ever happened, we would do whatever we could to live a good life, and I was not living up to that, my side of the bargain. And so, in that moment when I decided to start healing, that was a major part of it, you know, I really wanted to honor her and me, you know, I just decided one day, like I got out of that relationship, I quit drinking. I just walked away from it. I dove head first into therapy and different therapeutic methods and extreme self-care, and started educating myself, reading whatever books I could on, you know, now, whatever mental health or grief or that kind of thing, and more and more, I just healed and got better and realized what the past 25 years had been about.
Jennifer Levin
That took a lot of courage.
Erin Gaffney
Yeah, and I'm in a much better place now. And, yeah, I decided that I wanted to start exploring twin loss more as a result.
Jennifer Levin
And when you did your research on twin loss and resources and support, what did you find?
Erin Gaffney
So, it's funny, there's quite a few books. There's the Twinless Twin international organization. I don't know if you're familiar with them or not. It's very bizarre how little information is out there about twin grief, and these books are typically written by those who have experienced it. But yeah, just knowing that there are people out there, like me who have experienced it, and they went on to write their own stories of survival and healing, it's been very, very inspiring.
Jennifer Levin
So you have gotten your coaching certification correct, so that you can do grief coaching, and I know you are specializing in working with people who've lost a twin and even siblings
Erin Gaffney
Correct. Yes.
Jennifer Levin
Okay, what are some of the main issues or concerns that come up? Um, you've given us a great insight to some of the things you've experienced. But what are some of the big issues that arise?
Erin Gaffney
Many twins deal with extreme loneliness. Um, identity crisis is a big one. Like, who am I without my twin? I've had this person by my side all my life. Who am I now, there's a lot of guilt.
Jennifer Levin
Survivor's guilt?
Erin Gaffney
Yeah, survivor's guilt. And then, specifically for twins. Twins fight a lot. Twins are highly competitive. So I know I had that with my sister, where there was a lot that, you know, we didn't get to resolve and I'm sure that's pretty much true for all kinds of losses. But for twins, it's compounded. I think, but not not wanting to live without your twin is a big one. Some people don't want to look in the mirror anymore becoming invisible to family members. Or some people experience helicopter parents, where they become over protected, and then just being generally misunderstood. People don't understand twins, so it just leaves people feeling very lonely.
Jennifer Levin
Well, what a great resource, and that you are going to be able to provide, number one, having experienced it yourself, but you know, number two, having skills and education to be able to address that need. How would you describe your grief today, 25 years later?
Erin Gaffney
Well, as we know, grief never goes away, but with the healing that I've done and the education that I've done, I would say that I let the feelings and the curiosity about Sara's death come and I deal withthem as they come up. I don't push them away anymore. In many ways, I feel more connected to her now. Yeah, I mean, I have this memory of her when we were 23 years old, but, you know, I imagine what she'd be like now by my side at the age of 48 and I imagine things. And, yeah, it's a legacy practice. I think I look at pictures of her without shying away from looking at them. You know, I listen to the music that we used to listen to together with her, and I talk about her more. And, you know, I don't have anything, you know, pushing her away, you know, I'm not drinking, I'm not doing anything to numb out. So, I just, I let her flow through me now.
Jennifer Levin
Wow. So, there's a whole thing on, you know, continued bonds and presence and within absence. It sounds like you've really been able to connect that way, and you are able to tolerate the grief when it does arise, and feel the feelings without using um, harmful coping mechanisms. So that's a lot. All the work that you've done to be in a space like that.
Erin Gaffney
Yeah, and sometimes I feel like I barely even scratched the surface, you know, my exploration of how I feel towards her and her death and yeah, it really makes me want to explore the topic more, All together and help others and make twinless twins less of a thing that's not recognized, you know? And, yeah, I hope in the future that there will be more support out there for twinless twins.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, yeah. So glad you're contributing to this field. Um, last question for you, but what advice would you give to someone who has just experienced the death of their twin and they're just starting out? What would you say?
Erin Gaffney
Well, first things first, extreme self-care. Don't do what I did and try to numb out. Try to find a grief therapist, coach or counselor, if you can find one that specializes in twins, great. I know there's not a lot of us out there, but if you can't find one and find somebody, seek out Twinless Twin International. They have monthly meetings. They even have an annual conference. So that's a way to connect with other people, and their website has a lot of great resources, books and articles and different ways to connect with people. But a lot of the things you might suggest to anyone in grief, you know, self-care, you know, don't listen to anyone trying to rush you through your grief or to get over it, especially in twin grief, people get extra uncomfortable talking to you and try to they'll try to say sweet, helpful things, but oftentimes, really don't know what to say. So, you know, just have some grace with them. Have some grace with yourself. Overall. have grace with yourself, because you've just experienced this awful, unique thing that's very difficult to describe to the world.
Jennifer Levin
Yeah, yeah, no, those are all great words. We are going to put your information in our Facebook group, in our show notes, so that if anyone has any questions, wants to get in touch with you. You have a website, right?
Erin Gaffney
I do.
Jennifer Levin
Okay, go ahead and please tell us what your website
Erin Gaffney
It is www.mirarigriefcoaching.com.
Jennifer Levin
Okay, we will definitely make sure that that's in the show notes and everything that goes out so along with your email address, so that we hope somebody is able to find the interview today who's well, we don't hope anyone is in that position, but that people looking for this resource can find it and get in touch with you. So yeah, Erin, thank you so much for sharing your story and your experience and for contributing your knowledge to this field and for being here today.
Erin Gaffney
Thank you so much for having me. This is great.
