Jennifer Levin
Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death. In today’s podcast I interview Fran Solomon who is the founder HealGrief, an all-encompassing virtual platform serving the bereaved. HealGrief serves users from around the globe and their programs include Let’s Talk Death, Loss Project, and Actively Moving Forward. HealGrief also offers the AMF App, a way for members to communicate with others having a similar experience because they, too, are grieving a death loss. In addition, members can access tools, resources, and virtual support to facilitate healthy post-bereavement growth.
So Fran. Why don't you start off? And tell us a little bit about yourself?
Fran Solomon
Oh, well, that's a loaded question. Let's see if I can relate it more specifically to how I got involved with bereavement care. So I was actually in the intimate apparel business and had no forecast on my mind about ever entering the space of, of holding people's grief. And then I had my own personal experience, where my father died. And I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I was in my 30s, I had my own business. I considered myself a professional, fairly intelligent human being. And so what do you do when someone dies? You grieve through the weekend or the funeral time. And Sunday night, I had to get my my act together for Monday morning, I had to be back in the office. So I put my grief in a box, I put a pretty little bow on it. I stuck it up on a shelf. And I believed in the old cliches, time will heal, you'll get over it, move on. All the things that today I've learned really aren't quite the case. So fast forward. I did show up at work on that Monday. And I did move on, and was hoping to forget. It was maybe two years later, my daughter was born. And this beautiful life that entered mine gave me so much sadness. And I was really fortunate to have a girlfriend at the time who was in the space of bereavement care. And she sat with me not knowing what was gonna unfold. And... Fran, what's up? What's your question? What's up? And as a new mother, I just rattled on all the things that were were making me so sad, I couldn't sleep, she was crying. She got like all the things associated with new new motherhood. And the last thing I spurted out was, and my dad's not here to see the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world, a granddaughter. And as I share the story, I get emotional. And I get moved, and I get touched. And realize that that moment was the beginning of my grief journey. And really the gift that I was given because had I continued to displace my sadness over my daughter being born, my relationship with her today 20 years later may have been very tumultuous. But I was given the gift to realize to have this epiphany that I wasn't saddened by my daughter's birth, she was the most beautiful thing that came into my life. I was saddened that my father wasn't there. And that brought me into the space of bereavement care.
Jennifer Levin
So how did you get connected with HealGrief.org?
Fran Solomon
So, actually, HealGrief.org is a brainchild of mine. I initially got into the space, I trained as a facilitator to work with young adults in underserved high school communities. And I want to say maybe a few months into my work, volunteering. I realized I'd come home I you know, I could do the groups and I'd come home and my husband would be like, how was your day and all of a sudden I'd start crying. And realize that I was really too young in my grief journey to start holding the space for others. But I love the mission. I loved, I loved the transformation I had and I just want to sidebar for a moment. When I had the epiphany over my grief and I wanted to support my girlfriend who sat with me, I entered the space of where she facilitated, which is where I trained to volunteer. And they had what they call a teen's room and in the teen's room the project at the time was to do a collage and if you can Imagine a collage. It's one picture on top of another. And there was this one collage with three images on it. It was a picture of an adolescent boy and his mother, the word time cut out in Time Magazine, and a picture of big lips. And the story behind that is when the boy shared his collage. He said, that's my mother. And the more time that goes by the more, I miss her kisses. And that's when I was all in. So bringing back up to speed I trained, I worked with high school students, and realized that that I was too young in my journey. And so I got involved on the back end, and I became a board member, I chaired the agency for about three years, I served as a board member for almost 10. And during my tenure, which brings us to the point I would get people contacting me from all different parts of my past lives, Fran, so and so died, what can we do? The children are having problems, you know, how can we help them? What do I say, and as an insider, Jennifer, it was mind boggling to me that there weren't the resources available. And that's when HealGrief became this vision of mine to create a database of resources for individuals to be able to find and get the support that they need. It has never been a brick and mortar, it was always meant to be a database. But in my research, I found so many wonderful, wonderful sites, Memorial sites, candle sites, discussion thread sites. And it was, it was unbelievable to me that here I am, not grieving per se, as one would anticipate someone to be grieving. And I use that caveat, because I don't believe that grief ever really goes away. But I was, it was so difficult for me to ferret these resources out that that's where HealGrief became a chameleon. And it became not only this database, but it became a place to create memorials to light virtual candles to have discussions surrounding someone's life. It really became a celebrant, for people wanting to have a place for people who wanted to celebrate someone's life.
Jennifer Levin
So tell us what is the actual mission of HealGrief and some of the work that the organization does?
Fran Solomon
Yeah, so great question. So the missions kind of evolved with the times if you think back over 10-15 years ago, resources for bereavement care were not readily found on the internet. Now they're fortunately, all around if you were to to seek them out. HealGrief, about, I'm going to date this conversation by saying about five, six, maybe maybe even a bit more years ago took on a program called Actively Moving Forward, which was all about grieving college students supporting grieving college students. So we ended up in a space and became very well known. One of the few that really specialized in young adult grief. And that's a whole other conversation. Why is young adult grief so difficult to... Why is it the young adult who is so difficult to support? But having been now in that space, for several years, we had to take a really hard look at the program and how to keep it relevant. And we noticed that young adults from two decades ago grew up on one on one human connectivity to be introduced to a device in college, today's young adult grew up on a device and that's their main means of communication. So we were very challenged by their demands. If we were going to continue to serve them and and serve them, well, we needed to create a more global network, a community without boundary, a place where they could connect 24/7 and do it digitally. So in 2000, actually, in 2019 we went into work and we developed an app that we launched in 2020. And this app, which goes to the point of the mission was really a way to connect individuals who are grieving that needed to be heard, and want it to be understood. And that's our mission to connect, be heard and feel understood by others who understand what grief is because they're having a similar grief experience. You know, there's there's a common theme when someone is bereaved. And the theme is isolation and loneliness and a sense that nobody gets it. We are the front, we are the first line of intervention, to breaking that norm of isolation, loneliness, and placing people with others who do understand and get it. So that's really, today, in addition to the tools and the resources that we have and offer, to foster healthy grief, healthy post bereavement grief, we have this app where we have 1000s of members that connect and get resources and support they need. You know, the the app also offers an opportunity for our members to sign up for virtual support groups, book clubs, workshops that we offer. And all of those services including the app are free of charge, we really embody the meaning of what a 501 C3 is about, we are truly of service. The one program that we have recently added, which I guess breaks away from this, from that statement is our grief coaching. We offer one on one grief coaching to our community members at a very reduced rate from what they would find elsewhere in the market, should that be the support someone seeks.
Jennifer Levin
Great. So just to clarify, active, the app is not just Actively Moving Forward, it's now all of your services are done through the app.
Fran Solomon
So Actively Moving Forward is a program of HealGrief. HealGrief is our 501 C3. So if any of your listeners would like to support our work, HealGrief would be the 501 C3, they would support. Actively Moving Forward is a program and under Actively Moving Forward, we've created the app, anybody can download the app and access our tools and resources, which you can also find online, but most people are now communicating and doing things on their phone through an app. The app is just so anybody can download that, to have the functionality to interact with community members, and access our virtual support groups, one must be registered. So once one registers they would get instructions on how to become a member and have access to all those other opportunities. So the app itself is a hybrid of, let's say, text messaging. Members can communicate by text and upload pictures privately and have their own private conversations. It's a database of resources, right at your fingertips that we believe are second to none. We have a notification center that we use to inform members of upcoming groups. And also we disseminate daily quotes of inspiration. We we also have once a week, Sunday poem day where we'll send an inspirational poem. So members can stay as quiet as they'd like and just enjoy the inspirational quotes that they receive daily, or they can become very active. To the point where one of our greatest rewards and kudos is when we hear that a member has found another who they have connected with who becomes really their soulmate in their journey with grief. We've heard that more than once. And, and for us, it's not about you know, we're not a one size fits all. But if someone comes to us and finds either the resources they need, or the connection that they need, and they never come back, we've done our job. We fulfilled our mission. Having said that, we put no timeline on the length of time a member can stay with us and participate in our services.
Jennifer Levin
That's great. Can you share some of the ways you've seen your services impact the lives of individuals who are grieving?
Fran Solomon
Yeah. So we have two very separate and distinct communities, one is for young adults aged 18 to 30. And the other for our over 30s. And our, I would say, our most senior members are about 94. And I share that because I'm going to share a story from each of those groups. So in our young adult community, we have a woman that was about 10 years into her grief journey, who never really processed her grief, who found that she was hitting a brick wall through her life, and, and decided to explore whether this was grief driven. And she came to us and she met online, a newly grieving young adult, who had also lost her mother. And we found out that months later that during group, they would be privately chatting with each other over, you know, things that were said in group and they were chatting privately through the text through the through the app, and they actually had an opportunity to meet and they are best friends today. They found each other over this thing called grief. And then yeah, and then in our adult group, we have so just to take a step back, we offer several types of virtual support. And we have spousal loss, we have child loss, we have sibling loss, we have parental loss. In one of our child loss groups I received a private message from a woman who was feeling very alone and isolated. And again, I may get emotional sharing the story. She shared with me how she found her soulmate, that she found another woman whose son was as well handicapped, who died around the same time, and their sons were the same age. And they have become best friends. Needless to say, neither of them participate in groups lately, but they have found each other and from what I understand they speak daily, over their feelings and what they're going through, because nobody else gets it. They do.
Jennifer Levin
That so great. So great. And such needed connections. I hear that so often from my clients about nobody else gets it. The loneliness, the isolation, and what a wonderful way also to bring people together.
Fran Solomon
Yeah, and it's unfortunate, it's unfortunate that society, most of society still believes that time will heal and they'll forget, well, yeah, time may heal, but you're not going to forget. I mean, I don't know about you, Jennifer, but I'm not going to forget that my mother died, my father died, my sister died. And I could go on and on and on. I can forget they died, they're still very present in my heart and mind. You know, what we try to embody with everybody is that grief is a testament to love, the deeper the grief, the deeper the love. The question is not how do we forget, but rather, how do we move forward with this? How do we take this love and move forward with it in the, in the physical absence of our person? It is so normal to feel a loss that that just lingers. It's, it's very real, but to try to forget or not talk about it only really suppresses the healthy post bereavement growth that we seek to we seek to have.
Jennifer Levin
Yes. You mentioned that there are no fees for your program, which is amazing. Any geographic limitations in terms of boundaries, or where did your clients come from?
Fran Solomon
Yeah, so um, one we don't call them clients. Very thoughtfully, because we are not counselors, we are not necessarily licensed professionals. We call what you have just referred to as clients, we call them members in our, members of our community. And I will emphasize again, we are not counselors, we merely provide a space for purely led conversations that are professionally supported by our trained volunteers. And conversations are usually very organic. And we talk about whatever the group brings to the table in any particular virtual setting that we offer. So boundaries because we are not licensed professionals. And we are not providing therapy or therapy or counseling, we're not bound by HIPAA, we're not bound by state regulations. So all of our members, we have no boundaries. Although most of our members I would say 95% of our members are from the United States, maybe 3% from Canada. If someone speaks English, they're welcome to participate. We have a young woman that is an educator in South Korea who calls in when we do our groups, it's her morning, we've had people calling from Ukraine, from Russia, from India, I'm trying to think where else people have called in. I know there's quite a few other places. And we welcome, we welcome all if you're if you're bereaved, if you're feeling like you need someone to connect with if you want to be heard, if you want to feel understood. That's what we do.
Jennifer Levin
That's fantastic. Just a wonderful, safe place. Yeah. Do you have any services that are specific for individuals who have experienced an unexpected or sudden death?
Fran Solomon
So we have been asked on numerous occasions, to create a virtual group specifically for that, or specifically for suicidal loss or, or cancer, people that have, you know, lost people that died by cancer. And at the moment, it is a very thoughtful decision not to place emphasis on how someone may have died. Rather, to stay within the context of the common feelings, one feels when they're grieving. Okay. So for the moment, we're very specific to emotions of grief. Okay, with no, no emphasis on the way someone may have died.
Jennifer Levin
Okay. I know you have witnessed the pain and the stories of so many people who are grieving diverse and various different types of losses. What advice would you give to the listeners of this podcast who are grieving, an unexpected or a sudden death?
Fran Solomon
Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for what you didn't know. We often do have people in our groups that have experienced a suicide loss. And when they hear those words, you can almost see a sense of relief come over them. To forgive themselves for what they didn't know. To be kind to themselves. And, and to really embrace the fact that this is indeed a journey. There is no timeline to it. That kind of takes away the cliche of the stages of grief where oh my god, you know, I'm on this stage, okay, now I only have two to get through and then they find out they're back to fall backwards into an old stage. Grief is a journey. There are going to be triggers throughout one's life that are going to evoke those emotions as deep as they were the day the day of the death. I mean, 20 plus years later, I shared the story about my daughter's birth and my father not being there and I got emotional. I hope that never changes. But yeah, to be kind. And you know what, when someone says get over it or where you suspect that's what someone's thinking, give them grace. They probably don't have the experience that we were unfortunate to have. And they just don't know. I have to say before I experienced my dad's death, I had a girlfriend whose brother and father had died fairly, within months of each other. And I would think, when is she going to get over this? When is she going to get over this? Like every anniversary it was like, When is she going to get over this? Until I got it, until I got it. The other epiphany..
Jennifer Levin
Those are great words of advice. Is there anything else you'd like to add today?
Fran Solomon
No, please, please, if you're in need, come and see what we're about. It's HealGrief.org. Or you can download the app. Again, you won't have the community access, but you'll have resources right at your fingertips. It's Actively Moving Forward, you can get it at on your Google Play or in the app store.
Jennifer Levin
And we're also going to put it in our Facebook group. And you're gonna give me that information.
Fran Solomon
Wonderful. Wonderful.
Jennifer Levin
Thank you so much for your time today and for sharing what a valuable resource. I learned a lot more today about what the resources that healgrief provides. And we'll definitely be sharing more with my clients about what they can get online.
Fran Solomon
Thank you, and we are we are certainly, we are that additional supportive service to the great work that you and your colleagues do.
Jennifer Levin
Well, thank you. So. All right. Well, again, appreciate your time, and look forward to more work that comes out of HealGrief.org.
I appreciated the power of Fran’s grief story about her dad. Although her father’s death was not sudden or unexpected, it highlighted what can happen when we do not take the time to process and sit with our grief and how years later grief can come back into our lives, when we least expect it, and force us to take notice. I am so thankful that Fran was able to take the time to share this amazing organization with us. HealGrief is such a valuable, free resource available to anyone who is grieving a death of loved one, 24 hours a day, without geographic boundaries. As a therapist and grief coach I am disheartened that the cost of services and geographic location prohibits so many people from getting the support they need. As Fran mentioned their programs have been designed to decrease isolation and loneliness which are two of the major factors that grieving individuals struggle with. I encourage you to take advantage of their virtual groups designated for relationships that are specific to your loved ones including loss of a spouse, child, siblings and so one. There are special programs designed young adults under 30. If you fall in this category, you know how hard it can be to find a community of fellow grievers to connect with so I highly recommend you connect with this valuable resource. If you want an opportunity to connect with Fran and learn more about HealGrief.org please join our facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” Fran’s contact information is available along with information on how to register for the AMF app so that you can receive and connect with the resources available HealGrief.org. Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected death, sign up for my free mini course, where I explain the 3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.
