Jennifer Levin
Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death. In today’s podcast am I going to interview a mother whose son died suddenly in a car accident. Dolores Cruz is a retired elementary school teacher and the author of Look Around: A Mother’s Journey from Grief and Despair to Healing and Hope. Her book talks about her spiritual journey after the sudden death of her 24-year-old son, Eric, which brought her to a whole new understanding of the questions we all ask about the meaning of life. She continues to honor Eric by volunteering as an Affiliate Leader and Caring Listener with the international support organization for parents of children who have passed away, Helping Parents Heal. The Cruz Family has also provided a music scholarship in Eric’s name at Neighborhood Music School in Los Angeles. Okay, so I'm here with Dolores. And Dolores why don't you start off and tell us a little bit about yourself?
Dolores Cruz
Sure. Well, I'm a retired teacher. I taught elementary school for 31 years. And I also am now a writer somehow. This is an interesting thing that came along. I have authored one book. And I do have a blog as well. And I teach tap dance on Saturdays. So that's, that's what's going on now. I'm married to my husband, Joey. And we have four children. My youngest son is no longer here in the physical and he was in a car accident and passed away five and a half years ago. So we are doing what we can. Still continuing to live our lives the best we can.
Jennifer Levin
Okay, and you have three other children?
Dolores Cruz
I have three other children. Yes. My oldest is Nick. He's 36, almost 37 And he's a nurse at Long Beach Memorial Hospital. He's married to his partner, Austin. And my daughter Jessica, has her own business. She has a hair salon. She does amazing work. And my youngest daughter Vanessa is actually in her third year of a four year program for Doctor of Audiology.
Jennifer Levin
Oh, wow.
Dolores Cruz
Yeah, so we've, yeah there's a lot going on. Yeah, we're all pretty busy and Joey's working still, he hopes to retire in the next year or two. He is a manager of conventions and expositions, trade shows.
Jennifer Levin
A very busy family. So tell us a little bit about what actually happened to Eric.
Dolores Cruz
So, you know, Eric and Vanessa were still living at home, he was 24. And so Vanessa was 25. And our two older kids were living on their own, not far they were close by, but they were on their own. And it so happened that my husband, Joey, was away on business, which he does, you know, a few times a year. So Eric had just gotten a new job that he was very excited about, because it was a, "real job", you know, that he'd make some real money. He's, he was also a musician, drummer, did that on the side. Very, very talented. And, and that was, you know, one of my favorite things was to go see that band play, and to hear him play his drums. But anyway, he, this was literally the second week of this job. And it was a Thursday, and he told me that he was going to just kind of hang out with some friends. He loved getting to know, you know, people, and he wanted to get to know his new coworkers. So he wouldn't be home right away, you know, after work, which was fine. And so, by that evening, I was texting. I thought it was a little late. He's really responsible person. And it wasn't didn't seem right that he would not have come home by then. Because he had to get up early for work. It really seems a little out of character. But when I texted him, he just said, Yeah, he'll just be home later. I said, Okay, you know, there's some dinner in the refrigerator or whatever, you can warm it up. And so I went ahead, and I did go to bed, because, you know, I was used to doing that I wasn't the type really that waited up till all hours. I just knew you know, I've done this before, you know, he'd be home. Well, I got up the next morning to go to work. So I got up about 5:30. And the first thing I did was look into the room and he wasn't there. And I texted him I looked I didn't have another text other than one he had sent at about 11pm that just said thanks in response to I'm leaving dinner for you. He said thanks. And he said love. And so those are the last two words he said to me. Thanks and love. And of course I was beginning to panic a little bit and I opened my daughter's room Vanessa and said, Have you heard from Eric. And immediately in that moment, there was a very loud pounding at the door, kind of a couple of knocks, but very, very loud. And I knew some I just knew what that was, I had heard about getting a knock at the door. So I ran down, Vanessa ran down, we opened the door, just kind of in shock. And, you know, not wanting to know, but needing to know. And there was two people there a woman and a man and the woman introduced herself as a coroner. And the man was the deputy. And she asked if Eric lived here, and I said, Yes. And she said that he has passed away in a car accident. And it was indescribable. I mean, people who've been there know that horrible feeling something that was the worst thing that could happen. Something that parents I'm sure, secretly dread and try not to think about, because I never I tried not to think about it before it happened. But, you know, Vanessa and I were just doubled over in, in just grief and in pain. And, and she was crying that it wasn't true. And I asked to see him. And that's when she gave me even worse news to say that, during the accident, his car had had hit a wall, it had rolled, and it had burst at this point. So I couldn't see him. And, you know, so then again, that was just like it another punch to what had already happened. And I didn't know what to do. And I even asked her what do I do? And she said, call people. And she was she was nice. But that, you know, that was it and I closed the door. And it's really what do I even that I mean, Vanessa and I literally, I think for about an hour just cried because we couldn't do anything. And then we did start calling. I had to call my husband and tell him that our son had died. And and of course call my daughter and son and call Eric's girlfriend and his friends and my sister, you know, family members and it was terrible. It was very terrible.
Jennifer Levin
Absolutely. Probably the worst day of your life.
Dolores Cruz
Yes, definitely.
Jennifer Levin
What are some of the things that you remember most about these or those initial parts of that sudden loss?
Dolores Cruz
I felt first of all, physically, I right away had pain, I almost describe it like as if there was a huge rock or boulder on my chest, and in my stomach. And that actually, well that lasted about six weeks. I just remember that pain, it was constant, I was not able to eat. You know, I tried. People of course said you gotta eat something. And you know, I tried but very little. I felt like I was in a dark hole, an abyss. I felt like any light in my life had just been immediately extinguished. And I just didn't know. You know, I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to be home. I could not. I didn't go to work for two weeks, believe it or not, I did go to work after two weeks, but I couldn't do anything. And as my husband and mainly my husband and friends not so much my other kids. But as my husband and friends started to plan his services. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't participate in that I thankfully my husband is good at you know, planning stuff like that. So he just took over he went on automatic you know, and despite his huge grief he took over so, yeah, those are the main things I remember at the beginning.
Jennifer Levin
How, was your grief? Or what do you remember about your grief changing and evolving over time? Well, let's see. One thing that comes to mind first is that and part of the initial I've heard other people mentioned this but it I could not look at his pictures. For the first it was only for about a month or five weeks or something like that. At the service someone, one of his friends put together a beautiful video of just clips of Eric and I could not look at it. It was just too painful. I couldn't listen to music. Because Eric, music represented Eric and it was too painful to hear any music, especially if I knew it was a band he liked. But after, I don't know, at some point five or six weeks, I really couldn't tell you why. But I started to be able to look at all of that the pictures, I started to be able to listen to the music. And eventually, maybe even within just a few months, I actually started to enjoy that, because then it actually began to feel like I was closer to Eric, when I looked at those pictures or listened to that music to this day, to listen to music, I actually feel very close to Eric. And I saw that video that his friend put together and now I love it. I love looking through it. And just just remembering how he was and, and just kind of feeling him close to me in a way. So you've given me permission to share that we've had a history together, and we've worked together in the past. And I know that you have experienced some expected or anticipated loss in your life. And then with Eric's death, you had this unexpected sudden loss. What sets Eric's death and this sudden death? apart for you? How was this unexpected death, different from other losses, or deaths that you've had in your life previously?
Dolores Cruz
Well, I would like to mention the two the past losses I've had, and then how that relates or compares, I guess to with Eric, I did lose my brother when I was 20, my older brother was 26. And he was also a musician. We didn't know since he was born about his heart defect that was going to shorten his life. So it was expected. And of course, we didn't know exactly when it didn't, it was very, very hard. But even I mean, I guess in a way it was that there was a little time to prepare. Not that it's ever a total preparation for when that moment comes, but there was this kind of a just knowing that it was going to happen. And so that was that and then with my own parents, you know, they were, they were both ill for a year or so. Before they passed away, and and I had time to be with them. And it was sweet, and I could appreciate you know, their whole lives and all they done. But then to me that's also a difference is with Eric, it just didn't seem natural. For this young man who was handsome and compassionate and kind and gave so much to the world and people loved him and it didn't make sense. And it didn't make, it seemed unnatural that he would not be here anymore. You do, as painful as it is or can be, you do expect your parents to die. You don't expect your child to so that I would say is the main thing for me and
Jennifer Levin
Looking back or even now, what were or are some of your biggest struggles, your hardest moments.
Dolores Cruz
Well, it took me a while to want to do anything. It took quite a few months. I didn't. All I wanted to do, which I did have this beautiful tree in my front yard. It's a huge pine tree. And all I really wanted to do was lay down under and look through the branches and look at the sky, I, I didn't want to have to do anything. And I think now in retrospect that maybe I, I was just making time for my grief, which I now see the importance of that. But I would say also, well, there were a couple of things that were really hard to do. And I had to go do things like, terminate his gym membership, I had to go call insurance companies to tell them that he was no longer on my insurance plan. And for whatever reason, I think, one of the and it was hard, I just kind of, you know, grit my teeth and did what I had to do. But boy, when I went to close out his bank account, and I had his first paycheck in my hand that had been sent because he had just started that job, a paycheck that he never got to see, that was a big one that he wanted to see. It just killed me. And I just really cried after that, because it was like, he was little by little not existing in the world anymore. It was more finite, even though I know he did. You know, he wasn't here. It was just, you know, having to put all that stuff to him and stuff that he worked on stuff that was important to him. Yeah. And one more thing is that I feel and sometimes it's kind of called a secondary loss, I guess. But I miss that music so much. I miss seeing his band play, watching him. He would always, you know, look over at me and you know, give me an extra smile or, or whatever, I missed hearing him practice those drums, in you know, in our family room, like every single day, you know, just I just wish I could hear that again. Yeah, that's been hard.
Jennifer Levin
Let's talk about your process or your journey towards healing. I will always remember you is probably the biggest student of grief. If I can say so. You wanted to read everything that you could get your hands on. Absolutely everything. You wanted to read, you wanted to study, you wanted to know, you wanted to absorb and maybe I'm even answering your question, but what helped you most in your grief?
Dolores Cruz
You're absolutely right. And believe me, to this day I'm still reading a lot. And I've given so much money to Amazon for all the books that have ordered and yes, to answer that part of it. And then there's more. I, I needed to understand this thing called grief, but also life and death and afterlife. And everything that involved I was trying to understand, I don't know if it's possible, it's possible to ever completely understand. But I was I needed to know, if I could, what happened? Why? How, what could I do? How does this work? How does it go? So yes, you're right, I read and I listened to people speak. But of course, the other thing I did that, you know, the first thing I did was find you I think came to you within two weeks of his accident. And I had had therapy in the past, I always felt it was quite very helpful. So I felt it was kind of a godsend to find you because this was also your area of expertise, you know, in not just regular therapy, which of course you can do but grief, you know, a grief specialist. And I just felt very, very much in good hands and led through this journey. And then the other thing, of course, that has helped so much is support groups because I needed and I'm in two online support groups. I mean, they're online, but they're great. And one is is general to grief and the other one is specifically for parents and it's so important. It has been so important to me to talk to other people about their child, their journey, what's helped them, you know, help each other through our difficult times but also share any any good times in that It's made a huge difference. So all of those. Yeah.
Jennifer Levin
What about writing and journaling?
Dolores Cruz
Yeah, surprisingly. Well, that has been very healing for me. And I know, I do remember that you suggested, and I don't remember if, if I got the journal because you suggested or I already had it or what, but I did start a journal just to write whatever, you know, write whatever I'm feeling, how I use it. However I needed to. And I used it in many ways. Sometimes in that journal, poetry came out, which is something I have done in earlier parts of my life as well. And it's a way I express is through poetry, but just also through prose and writing. And I have now five journals that I have a little project right now I'm going through them all, it's been really interesting, and pulling out all the poetry and we'll see what I do with that. I have some plans for that. But I did write a book. This was at the three year about three years after as actually, it was when we all shut down for COVID. I said, maybe it's time. The interesting thing about that is I never ever thought I would ever write a book. I do remember you telling me I don't know what after a couple, three months, whatever. You said, Well, you got a book in you. And I said, I don't think so. Because it was just something it just seemed like oh, write a book. So I did write a book. It was interesting, also, because you and even somebody else had kind of put it into my head, you know, maybe you could write a book. And so finally I started saying to myself, maybe I can write a book. And one day, interestingly, when I was driving to work, before this, oh, this was actually the fall before the shutdown. It was It was strange. I was a 15 minute drive. And all of a sudden, in that 15 minutes, everything kind of fell into place as to what my book was going to be like, how was going to start, what chapters I would have, you know, so I got to work and I wrote it all down. But then I didn't do anything with it until the shutdown. And then I said, Okay, I think it's time. And I sat down every day, anywhere from maybe depending on what was, you know, of course there wasn't a lot going on, but it might have been as short as 30 minutes, maybe up to two hours a day. Just pouring out my story, I needed to first of all write about Eric, I needed to go over everything about him, how much he meant to me how wonderful he was, how much other people loved him. And then I needed to tell the story of what happened. And how my family members, you know, all of us, how we were affected and what we did, and all the pain, and all the love that was all around all his friends as well and other relatives. And then the last part of the book talks a lot about the kind of connection I still feel with him. So it was very, very therapeutic for me to get all that out. And once it was done, it wasn't I looked, I looked at it. And that wasn't really so hard. I mean, as far as there was, I didn't have to sit there and think What am I going to write I know exactly what to write. It was there. I just had to put it down.
Jennifer Levin
Why don't you tell us the name of your book?
Dolores Cruz
Oh, okay. So the name of my book is Look Around: A Mother's Journey from Grief and Despair to Healing and Hope. And yeah, it's it's just, it's there. It's on Amazon. And I'm very proud of it. My husband and my family are very proud of it too. But the most important thing to me is that I'm happy that when people read it, that they will know about Eric, and I hope it will give them some hope and help maybe them to heal if they've had a loss, a traumatic loss or just a great loss in their life.
Jennifer Levin
Well, I had a chance to read it and it was just a beautiful tribute to your son. Tell us a little bit more about the connection because you've worked very hard at remaining connected to Eric after his death.
Dolores Cruz
Yes, a lot of well, I found myself right away, even though I hadn't even thought about it before. I just started talking to him. I couldn't not. I did believe I always had believed, you know that, you know, life continues after death. So I knew he was there somewhere. And I was pretty sure he could hear me. So, I, to this day, do not hesitate. If I see something here, here's a certain music or anything, to just say, hey Eric, you know, what do you think of that? Or, you know, but in the beginning, of course, it was just telling him, I love you. Where are you? I want to hug you. I just expressed everything I needed to express to him. And that just felt it just felt right. It felt it was very organic. And then, as I mentioned before, but once I was able to listen to music again, I just feel like he's right there. And again, I can't help talk to him. Sometimes when I'm listening, I'll be in the car, a long drive in the car, I actually enjoy it because I'll put on music. And I'll kind of talk with Eric while we're driving while I'm driving. It'll possibly be music that he and his band wrote, so that I'm hearing his drums, which I love. It's also as I mentioned before bands that he he enjoyed. So of course now I enjoy them too, because there's a connection there because that he loves those bands or enjoyed them and so do I. So yeah, for sure that way. But um, you know, we've we've had dreams, all my family, my kids, my other kids, my husband's had a couple. But I have too, you know, and there's all people talk about, you know, is that real or not? And honestly, there's just something that's unexplainable, unless you've had that experience where you might have a dream of whoever one of your loved ones that passed away, and you wake up and you say, God, It was just so real, you know, and I could feel him or I could touch him or I could hear him or smell him or whatever. And honestly, I I don't hesitate to disbelieve it. That's just me. I know, some people will doubt it. And that's fine. But I take that as a kind of another kind of a connection. Yeah.
Jennifer Levin
And that's great.
Dolores Cruz
Little signs too. I mean, you know, there's people talk about that too. But you know, just oh, that bird or that butterfly. Or, you know, oh, well, that license plate. Wow. You know, it said, Okay, I have to tell you one thing, this one license plate? Honestly, it said ERC that's his initials. Then it said LV love. Ok, let me get this right. E no, I'm sorry, take it back to EC. I have EC LV. And it was like, whoa, okay. I'll take that.
Jennifer Levin
Absolutely. So you have quite a nice sized family, three other kids and your husband. How did grief impact your family?
Dolores Cruz
You know, I was so worried. In the beginning, right away, I was afraid that my family would be destroyed by this. I had no idea what was going to happen. If we would just fall apart. But beautifully we came closer together. We did come to see you as a family, I think two or three times, maybe it was especially closer to the holidays. And that was very helpful. And what we do is we share our pain. We share what we feel is a connection with Eric. We share stories about him and we laugh. We were never, we never were afraid to just have a moment of of laughter or joy and in the memory. And to this day, he we have a text thread that, you know, almost every day someone has to say something about whatever and it's always, you know, to the five of us. And oh, and sometimes it's Well, you wouldn't believe you know, I had this dream and this is what happened and Eric was there and you know, so we just, he's still with us. He's still part of our family. And we just include him. You know, of course on his birthday or anniversary, we'll do special things to honor him. But just we'll gather in a different way. We've had different things that we've done, but you know, we're not, we're not going to forget him. You know, that's not possible. And we enjoy the memory and talking about him.
Jennifer Levin
I can tell he's still very much present in your family. Now as part of your healing process, you've helped others with their healing. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Dolores Cruz
Yes, as I mentioned before, there specifically is a support group that is for parents whose child has passed away. And after maybe, I don't know, it might have been at the two year mark or so. Oh, actually, what it was was, it's it's online, there's a Facebook group, we go online, we share and all of that. But I noticed that people were talking about their in person meetings that were local. And so I'm looking up, do we have a local chapter and there wasn't in Los Angeles where I am. So I mentioned it to the head administrator, who I know pretty well. So why don't you start one? Oh, well, that wasn't what I was saying. That's not what I meant. But, but of course, the seed was planted. And after whatever, six months? I don't know, I did tell her well, okay, what would that take to do something like that? She told me there were two other moms nearby in LA, who were also interested. So why don't I contact them. So after we got together, we started a local chapter. And we started that January of 2020, we had a once a month meeting, two in person and then we were all shut down. So we continued online. And then recently, a few months back, you know, he started to get up again, in person. And I, I don't know, I feel like with all that I've received and I'm grateful for all of that. And with all that I've learned if there's anything I can do, possibly to help anyone else on this very difficult journey, then I am happy to do that. The other thing I do is I volunteer to do is called Caring Listener. And it's not therapy. It's just a mom talking to another mom who's been there. So I'm available. There's a list of us. And you know, if someone just really, really needs to talk to someone else, they can just call in they have and I've just, you know, listened mainly, just listen.
Jennifer Levin
That's so wonderful to hear. Yeah. So I think the final question I always like to ask is, what type of advice would you give to anyone, I guess we'll say, particularly a parent, who has experienced this type of a sudden loss of a child who's feeling really dark? And at the beginning of their journey. What would you say?
Dolores Cruz
I would say that, as I know, that it feels like there's no way to live again, to try to hold on to the possibility that you might be able to survive this. And I hope that they might be able to reach out to speak to someone, anyone, whether it's a therapist, or somebody else who's been there. That was very helpful to me. So I believe it's helpful. I believe, we do need to help each other and support each other in that way. I would say, just honor your grief, let it be whatever it is, allow it out and know that you can you know, I say the word heal and to be honest, you know, I I know that healing is a lifelong process. So I'm not saying that you will ever say one day well I'm done okay I healed. That's, you know, it's not going to be like that, but it will evolve it will get better. And mainly if you choose or intend to heal, I firmly believe that you will. Because it's just that intention that allows you to let it in when it can come let in that healing.
Jennifer Levin
Great, is there anything else that I didn't ask or that you'd like to share?
Dolores Cruz
I, you know, to be honest, it's such a hard journey. And you know, life, let's face it is difficult. But I, my thing is that it's, you know, and why are we here? I think we're just here to help each other. I think we are here, to reach out a hand to support each other to listen and not judge. And just, if we are doing that, I think that's kind of why we're here. And it sounds very simple. But I think that is how we make it through the struggles, you know, and keep in mind, all of the wonderful things as well.
Jennifer Levin
Wow, thank you. And sometimes it's the most simple, that's the most effective. And we will post a link to your book in the podcast group. And I should say, the Facebook group about the podcast, you also recently had something in the Huffington Post. And and if we can, we'll get a link to your group in LA. You have been so public about your story and sharing what's happened and helping others wanting to help others who've been through a similar situation and pain. And I thank you for that, because so many people after they've experienced a sudden loss, especially of a child and an older child, feel so isolated and alone, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to share your family's story, I think, helps so many others. So thank you so much for your time today. It's been such a pleasure to reconnect with you after all of these years, and I appreciate being able to have a conversation. So thank you.
Dolores Cruz
Thank you so much as well. I'm so glad we could do this.
Jennifer Levin
As Dolores mentioned, we worked together during the early parts of her grieving process and she has given me permission to mention this as well. I remember that despite the overwhelming amount of pain she and her entire family experienced, that she was so open to learning everything she could about her grief and grief in general. She was used journaling as one of her coping skills to work through her grief experiences, her feelings, and her dreams about Eric. She also sought out people who knew and were associated with her son and was determined to remain connected to him in his death. Dolores’s healing has also been greatly facilitated by her desire and commitment to help others who are living with similar pain and losses. You can find out more about Dolores by visiting her website at doloreslookaround.com, or her blog at doloreslookaround.blogspot.com. If you want an opportunity to connect with Dolores yourself, we have now launched a brand new facebook group called “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” I am so excited about this group because it provides our podcast listeners and podcast guests an opportunity to interact. For this week’s episode you will be able to find information about Dolores’s book, her blog and her latest article in the Huffington post. You can learn more about the facebook group in the show notes. Stay tuned for my next podcast episode on Wednesday November 9th. In this episode I will be interviewing Mark Davidson. Mark’s father was killed in his home on the island of Belize. He will share his story, grief struggles and the changes he has made in his life to move towards healing from a sudden death. Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.
