I’m your host, Dr. Jennifer Levin. I am a grief therapist and the founder of From Grief to Growth, the host of the podcast, Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death, and I am the creator and author of the Growing After Traumatic Loss course. I provide support, guidance, and teachings to help you with the aftermath of chaos, trauma, and grief.
Hi everyone, and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.
Today we are going to concentrate on common feelings that many people experience after the sudden loss of a loved one - guilt, regret, and self-blame. I can’t tell you how many times clients come into my office and are blaming themselves or feeling so guilty about something they wished they would have said or should have done that relates to the death of their loved one. They are convinced that their loved one would be alive today if only they would have done things differently. I hurt for my clients because they put so much emotional energy into punishing and blaming themselves for their actions.
When I sit down with a client and really examine the chain of events that led to their loved one’s sudden death, it is very rare that we can identify a specific action or behavior that would have changed the outcome. So that leads me to ask them, how does blaming yourself for what happened help you? What is it going to change? What does feeling guilty accomplish? If you think about it, it only makes you feel worse and keeps you from the hardest task at hand – grieving and accepting the loss in front in you.
Today’s podcast is called Guilt, Shame and Regret are Killing Me and I choose this title because these emotions have the potential to destroy you when you are grieving. During this podcast we are going to explore some of the common thoughts associated with these emotions and the consequences of these negative thoughts and the impact they can have on your lives. I am also going to introduce you the concepts of self-compassion and self-forgiveness as methods to combat feelings of guilt, regret or self-blame related to the sudden death of your loved one. Finally, I am going to end by walking you through an exercise so that you can begin to start the process of forgiveness and compassion if you are experiencing feelings of regret, blame or guilt.
So why is it that blame, regret and guilt are so powerful when it comes to grief? Prior to your loved one’s death, you had the gift of time, and it may have been a gift that you did not know you took for granted. When your loved one was alive you had time to work through your problems. You had time to engage in the activities that you wanted to enjoy together, and if there was something left unsaid, there was always tomorrow. But time stopped for you without warning and tomorrow is no longer an option. Unfortunately, you are learning or have learned that death brings with it a finality like that of no other. There are no more opportunities for a redo, there are no more opportunities to work things out, to say the unsaid and do the things you always meant to do. Time ran out, most likely without a warning.
Since you no longer have time, you may be experiencing thoughts such as, I wish I would have, if only I could have, or I should have…. And therefore, you may find yourself caught up in the emotions of guilt, regret, or self-blame. Guilt about things you did do, did not do, or say, regrets about actions, lack of actions or blame about behaviors that did or did not occur.
There are many overlapping themes that define self-blame, guilt, and regret when it comes to sudden loss. These themes involve a set of standards that relate to how you believe you should have behaved in a difficult situation. When you reflect on the circumstances related to your loved one’s death, and the pain you are experiencing with their absence, it is far too common to judge or blame yourself for the events that happened as a way to ease the pain of the actual loss.
As a result, you might find yourself with thoughts about what you could have done to prevent the death from happening.
Some of these thoughts might sound like….
1. I should have insisted my loved one get better medical care, or
2. If I had only gotten home a little earlier, or
3. I should have never let her leave the house that night.
In addition to processing the events surrounding the loss, it is also common to notice some judgement about the things you now wish you would have done differently in your relationship with your loved one. You may find yourself thinking…
1. I wish I would have spent more time at home, or
2. I should have insisted that he went to therapy and got help for his problems earlier, maybe none of this would have happened, or
3. I wish I could have been a better role model for my children.
Some of the issues that may result in feelings of regret, blame or guilt may have some truth to them, and some may not. It is important to note that for many people, especially when it comes to a sudden or unexpected death, find it very beneficial to explore and process all of the feelings associated with regret, guilt and self-blame. When friends and family respond by saying “you are not to blame” or “you shouldn’t be feeling guilty” they are really invalidating and taking away from your experience. You have every right to your feelings. What is important to remember is that you have to find a way to process and work through these feelings in a healthy manner.
Consequences of living in guilt, self-blame or regret
Many grievers devote significant amounts of time to living in their guilt and blame or regretting actions that they did or did not take. Unfortunately, spending too much time in these negative emotions can complicate your grieving process and increase your risk for depression, anxiety and other problems related to grief. Guilt, blame, and regret start off as coping mechanisms – coping mechanisms that protect you from feeling and accepting the true pain of your loss. But after a while these coping mechanisms are no longer helpful and instead, they become a barrier to working through your grief.
Living in regret, guilt and blame is how some people choose to stay connected to your loved one, but this is not a healthy way to find connection. Perhaps you have an unconscious thought that by continuing to remain in these feelings, the bond between you and your loved one will remain strong, and if you let these judgements go, it’s going to be a betrayal. Regret, blame and guilt can also be used as a form of self-punishment. If you continue to blame yourself for your actions or feel guilty, you will not be able to experience any joy or happiness in life and neither is your loved one because they are no longer physically present.
Self-compassion and forgiveness
By now I hope you can see that blame, regret, and guilt are going to hinder your healing and any growth that can come from your grieving process. I have found from my work with my clients that the key to overcoming these difficult emotions lies within self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
Self-compassion entails being kind to ourselves. It involves being understanding to ourselves when we feel less than, when we feel insecure and when we are in pain, both physical and emotional. I am a huge fan of the work of Dr. Kristen Neff who is an expert on self-compassion. Dr. Neff defines self-compassion and states that there are 3 parts of self-compassion that are really important: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. I highly recommend that you visit her site to learn more at www.selfcompassion.org. Self-forgiveness, on the other hand, means that you allow yourself to be free from feelings or emotions related to what you felt went wrong. There are two important things to note here that relate to both self-compassion and self-forgiveness– 1) It is so much easier for us to have compassion or to forgive others than it is for us to have these feelings towards ourselves, and 2) both of these things take work and don’t just happen overnight. They are skills and they are not just developed overnight but instead they are shifts in thinking that occur over time little by little.
Most of us know that we judge ourselves so much harder than we judge others, so it may be helpful to imagine or practice having self-compassion and forgiveness on our inner child that lives within us or those who are closer to us and that we love most. Either way, this is going to involve changing the way you think and talk to yourself.
Let’s talk about how to engage with self-forgiveness and self-compassion to cope with feelings of guilt, self-blame, and regret when it comes to loss, especially a sudden loss.
I have an exercise that I would like to take you through. You are going to need some paper or a journal. If you are not ready to do this right now, it’s ok, just go ahead and listen and come back to the recording when the timing is right.
The first thing I want you to do is to
* Identify the specific actions, feelings, or behaviors that you are feeling a strong sense of regret, guilt, or that you are blaming yourself for right now. Make a list and write everything down. Ask yourself – why am I feeling guilty? Or why am I blaming myself? Get really specific here.
* Next, acknowledge your feelings, this is really important. If you are comfortable, share your list with someone so that they can validate your feelings. Tell them you do not need any feedback but instead you just want validation. You just want somebody to know that this is how you are feeling. If you are not comfortable with this, you can keep it to yourself.
* After this, I invite you to look at your intentions. This step is vital, especially if you are blaming yourself. Your intentions and motives may not always be clear. Sometimes we know if we meant to be intentional in our actions, sometimes they are unintentional or just unknown at the time. Ask yourself, “was my intent to cause harm?” Probably not. See if you can start to find some compassion or if you can forgive yourself when you start to examine your overall intent. We all get mad. We all make mistakes. We all say things we regret, so I invite you to look at the overall picture, the overall relationship you had with your loved one when you look at your intent.
* Now, have a conversation with your loved one in your head. What would they say about the situation at hand? What perspective would they bring to the table? If you shared your feelings of regret, blame or guilt how would they respond?
Last two questions to ask yourself-
* What would forgiveness look like?
* And my very favorite question, what are consequences of not forgiving yourself?
You may have a lot of things on your list. If so, pick the top one or two things that are bothering you the most and go through that exercise. And then pick another and go through that exercise. It is going to take time to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself but it’s going to be worth it.
Review of podcast
The goal of today’s podcast was to explore common feelings of regret, guilt and self-blame that often arise after the sudden death of a loved one. We reviewed thoughts that many people experience after a sudden loss, and I provided examples of certain circumstances that elicit specific thoughts related to the event of the loss and related to the relationship. We examined negative consequences that can result from living in guilt, blame and regret, and we explored how to use self-forgiveness and self-compassion as a way to overcome these negative emotions. Finally, we ended with an exercise that you can use to walk yourself through feelings of self-blame, regret, or guilt to start moving towards compassion and forgiveness.
Our next podcast will be on Wednesday, August 31st and will be titled But I Don’t Want To Accept It.
Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, please sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up now. Bye and take care.
Thank you for listening today. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so that you never miss an episode. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.
