I’m your host, Dr. Jennifer Levin. I am a grief therapist and the founder of From Grief to Growth, the host of the podcast, Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death, and I am the creator and author of the Growing After Traumatic Loss course. I provide support, guidance and teachings to help you with the aftermath of chaos, trauma and grief.
Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma and chaos of an unexpected death.
The title of today’s show is: Five things you can do right now to begin healing from a sudden death. I chose this topic because when I work with a client who has recently experienced a sudden death, he or she is in so much pain and often repeats questions like, “I don’t know how I am going to do this?” Or statements like… “I can’t do this.” Early on they frequently question how they are going to get through the days and live with so much hurt and grief without their loved one. The pain is palpable and the fear is real. And I wish desperately I had a magic wand to take away the agony. Unfortunately, I know that wand does not exist and that the only way to move towards healings is through the pain.
One of my biggest goals for a client who has recently experienced a sudden death is to stay focused in the present and not get lost in the fear of the unknown of the future. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One step at a time. Anything more than that is too much to ask. If you can get through one minute, you can get through the next. And that is how you start to heal.
I remember once someone asked me – how do you eat an elephant and I looked at them like they were crazy. The answer I learned is one bite at a time. I keep a mug in the shape of an elephant on my desk to remind me – one step at a time; one bite at time. Anything else is too much. When I find myself getting overwhelmed, I know it is time to break down whatever is in front of me into smaller pieces and focus on one step at a time.
So, today’s podcast is all about what you can do right now in service of your long-term healing. These are not necessarily grief activities. These are not focused on your loved one. These are activities to engage in when the pain of your loss becomes overbearing, and you can’t take it anymore. When you do not think you can stand it for another minute.
I am going to share with you 5 things you can do to start feeling better or at least different. They are not going to give you what you want, which is to bring back your loved one. But if you are open, they can all change the way you feel physically or emotionally and shift you into a different space where you may be better able to cope with your sudden loss one step at a time.
The first two are meant to be used when your emotions are deregulated, and you feel completely out of sorts. Perhaps you are in the middle of a grief attack or experiencing extreme anxiety. They might also be helpful if you are feeling very overwhelmed emotionally. The first is my favorite and many of my clients have called it a life saver. All you need is an orange or a piece of citrus.
1. This is called the frozen orange.
I want you to take an orange or a grapefruit and place it in the freezer. I had a client freeze a peach once – I don’t recommend it because you are going to be reusing this piece of fruit. When you feel yourself having a stress response due to anxiety, a grief attack, a panic attack or you feel yourself entering the flight or fight response– I want you to go to the freezer, take out the fruit and place the orange or your piece of citrus between your hands. Take deep breaths and just focus on the fruit. Feel the cold, feel the texture, feel the weight. Just sit there with it for as long as you can, or as long as you need to.
This technique works for two reasons. First, the frozen fruit acts as a distraction and gives you something to focus on rather than your feelings of overwhelm. That is why I want you to focus on feeling how cold it is, the texture and the weight. Second, the cold will usually act as a reset for your body and your emotions. There has been significant support for using ice and other forms of cold treatment to calm the nervous system for individuals experiencing anxiety. Most of my clients report being able to calm themselves down, decrease their anxiety and feelings of intense grief after holding the frozen fruit. When you are done don’t forget to put your fruit back in the freezer so it is ready if you need it again.
2. Grounding Exercises.
The second thing you can do to start feeling better is a grounding exercise. There are so many different types of grounding exercises available but my go-to one involves this one with all of your senses. I encourage you to sit up straight with your feet on the ground and shut your eyes. Start with a series of deep breaths – breathe in and out, breathe in and out. Let’s start with your sight. Name 5 things that are in the room with you that you remember seeing (remember your eyes are closed). Next, name 4 things that you can hear. Now I want you to name 3 things that you can smell? Put your hands on your lap – what are two things you can feel, and finally, what was the last thing you tasted? I want you to continue with a series of deep breaths - breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out until you feel calm and if you want, you can get up and change rooms and start all over again.
Grounding exercises such as these are very helpful because they bring you back to the present and they may help you step away from the painful emotions you are experiencing in your mind. They can get you “out of your head” and refocus on what is happening in the here and now.
Sometimes, when we are struggling, we need help from others. So, my third recommendation is to call a friend.
3. Call a friend
They say it takes a village. When it comes to grief they weren’t kidding. The problem is that finding a grief village after experiencing a sudden death is easier said than done. Now I hear you; it is not easy but does not mean it cannot be achieved. So instead of a village let’s think of it more of an intimate tribe.
My clients constantly report “my friends are tired of hearing about the same thing” or “my friends don’t get what I am going through.” You’re probably right, but my response is to call someone anyway. You need to identify a tribe of multiple people. You probably need at least 3 people in your tribe that you can call when you are struggling and overwhelmed. And sometimes being with a friend and not talking about your grief is exactly what you need when you’re struggling. In an ideal world all your friends would be able to be to listen to your pain and know exactly when to listen and what to say at the right time, but unfortunately that’s not normally what happens.
But when you are hurting you need to call a friend to talk to, to go out for coffee, a walk or doing anything or something. This is a great next step or a distraction. There are times you must give people the benefit of the doubt and go with it because you need the support and company to help get you through these difficult moments. Remember, the goal right now is the next step, one step at a time.
4. Change your environment/energy
The fourth thing I want to talk about is one of the tools that I use constantly in my own life when I’m struggling and that is to change my energy or my environment. Let’s break this down because there are a couple of ways you can do this.
1. The first thing I want to talk about is changing the energy in your body. Yep – that is just another way to say get up and move. Get up and go for a walk or find a way to move your body. If you are in the middle of having a difficult moment the easiest, and I know it is the hardest thing you can do, is get yourself up and go for a walk. Get your blow flowing. Even small amounts of exercise can increase your endorphins otherwise known as your feel-good chemicals. If you work your muscles, they become tired, but you will feel more relaxed, accomplished, have a sense of wellbeing and you may think clearer. I have yet to hear anyone say I felt worse (emotionally) after I went for a walk. There is just something about going for a walk or moving your body that changes the way you think and you are able to see your situation differently. Yoga, stretching, Thai Chi, and even journaling or creative activities all have the potential to change the energy in your body.
2. Another thing is to try and change the energy in your environment – get out of the house preferably somewhere in nature or in the sun. Go for a drive, run an errand, go to a coffee shop. Many times, when we are hurting, the environment we are living in is often hurting as well. You may feel like isolating or may want to stay home but that may be contributing to the problem and how you are feeling or coping overall. I am asking you to trust me here and change your environment for a short time and get out of the house every day.
Changing the energy in your body and in your environment that surrounds you often provides us with new perspective, clarity and a drive to continue moving forward after a sudden death. Whenever possible it should be integrated into your grief routine.
5. Pleasant event scheduling or distractions
The final tool that I want to address today is pleasant event scheduling. Anyone who has worked with me before knows this part of my regular routine and I recommend it for anyone who is grieving a sudden death. Pleasant event scheduling occurs when you plan and engage in events to distract yourself from the pain. Don’t get me wrong, scheduling a walk in the park or sushi with friends is not going to take away the pain, but it does provide brief distractions from your intensity of the pain. Pleasant event scheduling can also retrain the neural pathways in your brain so that you begin to experience different emotions and feelings.
As humans we are not meant to live in constant pain, and pleasant event scheduling provides us with something to look forward to so we can take a grief break and experience moments or even seconds of happiness, joy or at least distractions. More importantly, by engaging in pleasant events you are expanding the range of emotions you are capable of feeling. Pleasant events also provides you a brief opportunity to reintroduce feelings other than sadness, pain or even anger into your life. Pleasant event scheduling encourages you to take a time out and do something different that may result in a positive experience. By doing so, you are more likely to have moments where you feel good even in the midst of all the turmoil and grief.
I recommend that when grieving a sudden death, or any loss for that matter, you schedule a pleasant event on a daily basis. It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming – it can be as simple as going to the park, time with a friend, a relaxing bath, a favorite meal, a phone call with a family member. It is also helpful if you schedule it towards the end of the day so that you have something to look forward to.
What if you think nothing is going to bring you pleasure? Very understandable, so let’s take a step back and define pleasure. Take a moment and ask yourself, what is a healthy distraction that would be more pleasurable than lying in bed all day, or sitting on the couch? What would you be willing to try to distract yourself from pain if even for a moment? Chances are you can identify and participate in an activity that you might temporarily enjoy that will make you feel less depressed and experience an increase in your energy. If you can think of something, then we are going to call that pleasurable.
So, in summary I just provided you with 5 different things you can do when you are having a rough time and feeling very overwhelmed after a sudden death. I don’t expect each of them resonate with you, but I do hope one or two of them will be worth trying. Here is what I want you to do now. I want you to get a note card – something like a 3x5 index card and I want you to write down which of the tools I discussed you are willing to try when you feel overwhelmed with your grief. And I am going to list them again in a minute. You see, I have found when we are having those moments of intense pain and struggle, we feel paralyzed and don’t know what to do. I don’t want that to happen to you. I want you to have a list of some of the things I said today that you might want to try and I want you to keep that list, either as a picture on your phone, by your nightstand or wherever it will be accessible so that when you need these tools you know where to find them.
Alright so here they are again - 5 things you can do right now when you are having a hard time to help with your healing after a sudden death:
1. The frozen orange technique
2. Grounding exercise using your senses
3. Calling a friend
4. Changing your energy and your environment
5. Pleasant event scheduling or distraction
Don’t forgot to write these on your card because remembering what to do when you are struggling can be difficult.
I am also very interested in what are some of the things that you are already doing. Please let me know and email me at [email protected]. We are still in initial stages of our podcast and I would really be interested in your feedback as well.
Our next podcast we will be Wednesday, July 6th and will be titled Traumatic Death: A greater understanding of trauma and grief.
Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the pain after a sudden death. If you know someone who is living with a sudden or unexpected loss, please tell them to subscribe to our podcast. You can also find me on Instagram @fromgrieftogrowth and on my Facebook page From Grief to Growth. Don’t miss my Facebook lives every other Wednesday morning at 9:00am PDT. Be sure to like my Facebook page and sign up to be notified when I go live so you don’t miss announcements and opportunities to interact with me. Bye for now. Thanks for tuning in today!
