I’m your host, Dr. Jennifer Levin. I am a grief therapist and the founder of From Grief to Growth, the host of the podcast, Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death, and I am the creator and author of the Growing After Traumatic Loss course. I provide support, guidance and teachings to help you with the aftermath of chaos, trauma and grief.
Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma and chaos of an unexpected death.
The title of today’s show is: It all sucks – the major challenges of living with a sudden death. I often get asked what is the hardest part about living with a sudden death, and my answer – it is the part you are experiencing at this very moment in time.
Unfortunately, when you are living in the aftermath of a sudden death you are struggling with many different emotions and feelings that are constantly changing. The grief, the aftershock of the death and associated responses, and the numerous unexpected hurdles produce a rocky terrain that is difficult to navigate. In the last episode of Untethered, I explained how the assumptive world gets shattered after a sudden death, and as a result, life can feel unsafe, unpredictable, and scary. You may constantly be jumping from one emotional hurdle to the next and although each one may be different; they are all hard.
Today I am going to provide you with an overview of 5 different challenges that my clients consistently talk about struggling with after a sudden loss. As you know, the sudden death experience is so unique and so different for everyone so it would be impossible for me rank these challenges in any sort of meaningful order in terms of difficulty. They are all hard. They all suck. Today’s discussion about each one of these struggles is really going to be a cliff note version because each and every topic could be an entire podcast episode in itself. I believe every one of you who has lived through a sudden death or who is trying to cope with this type of traumatic loss right now will be able to relate to these challenges.
Okay, let’s get started.
The first challenge I want to discuss is the difficulty balancing the need to function and live in the world when you feel like a part of you has died. In other words, how do you function and live on a day-to-day basis when you are grieving? Or how do you grieve when you have to live and function?
It would probably be helpful to step back and define the word function for the purposes of this discussion. By function I mean get out of bed, take a shower, take care of yourself and those who are dependent on you. This also includes carrying out your responsibilities and your obligations on a day-to-day basis. Early on, after a sudden death, achievements like getting out of bed, eating, sleeping through the night, and having the energy to make it through the day are monumental. Having the energy to take care of others, carry on with work responsibilities and maintain a household can seem insurmountable. The mere act of existing takes energy and will.
In time, you do get stronger, and you are able to incorporate more into your daily repertoire. Functioning becomes easier and most people can absorb more responsibilities into their day and return to levels of activities that resemble life prior to the loss.
The challenge that remains however is balancing living in the world while you are still grieving. Getting up in the morning knowing someone you loved dearly was yanked from your life without warning and you still have to go on. Many describe life at this point as “just going through the motions”, or “just existing” without the presence of their loved one. It can be very hard to find motivation to continue to get up each day feeling like your world has been shattered. If you are struggling with balancing how to exist in the world when you feel like part of you has died, you are not alone.
The second challenge I want to discuss is the difficulty that occurs when you cannot share your daily events with your loved one who is no longer physically present in the world.
When a sudden death takes place, there is no opportunity to prepare or say goodbye. For the most part, there is no transition. One day your loved one is living and the next day they are gone. Although we know what has happened it is hard to accept that the individual we love is physically gone from our lives. Rationally we understand this, but it takes a very long time for our mind and our reflexes to fully process and adjust to this information that we don’t want to accept. Therefore, early on, and for quite some time, it’s an automatic reflex to reach for our loved ones. You want to pick up the phone and call them. You want to tell them what happened during the day. You want to share the good news, bad news, things that are going on with the kids, the quarrels you had with your friends, the thing your mom said that made you angry, the promotion you got at work, and the frustrating thing that came in the mail. I bet it’s the mundane things that you miss the most. The everyday little things that you want to share. And it takes so long to get used to the inability to pick up the phone, the inability to send a text, or to reach over in bed, or do whatever you did to contact your loved one and connect.
When we don’t have someone to interact with on a regular basis, loneliness can also set in. We can also begin to feel invisible. Like we don’t matter. Like what we have to say, our experiences, our daily routine, and the details of our life are not important to anyone, anymore. Your loved one who suddenly died may have been your life witness who validated your existence and gave purpose and meaning to your world. When they were taken unexpectedly from your life everything changed for you.
Unfortunately, it takes a long time to readjust and to recalibrate. The reflexes do lessen over time, but it is slow. It will take time to find others to witness your life story.
The third challenge I want to discuss today is living with the physical and emotional aftermath of the trauma. Depending on the circumstances, the physical and emotional repercussions of a sudden death can be extremely traumatic for many individuals while for others not as much.
Often the way your loved one died and your involvement in the circumstances and how they left the world will have a strong influence on your trauma response.
After a sudden a loss many people have difficulty regulating their emotions. Let me explain this a bit. As a result of a traumatic experience your emotions can become what we call dysregulated. In other words, your emotions may become extreme, intense and change rapidly and quickly. Dysregulated emotions can be difficult to effectively manage causing you to engage in unhealthy coping skills or behaviors.
Each of us unconsciously uses emotional regulation strategies to cope with in the everyday situations that occur in our lives. After we experience a trauma such as a sudden death, our normal coping strategies may no longer be effective at regulating our emotions because all of the sudden our emotions have become extreme and dysregulated. In other words, the coping strategies that we use to rely on to manage our day-to-day stressors, are not sufficient to contain the initial, intense emotions we are having that are associated with a sudden loss. As a result, many people experience dysregulated emotions or as some like to say, “emotions that are out of control”. In future podcasts I am going to focus on different skills and techniques that you can use to regulate your emotions and we’ll spend time going into this in depth. But for now, I want you to know that the emotional dysregulation is a huge challenge many people face after a sudden loss.
Talking with friends, exercising, meditation, engaging in therapy, committing to a good night’s sleep, and participating in mindfulness activities such as deep breathing, journaling and yoga are a few examples of activities that you can engage in to start regulating your emotions after a sudden loss.
In addition to living with emotional dysregulation often the aftermath of trauma can include living in physical pain and intense mental exhaustion or a mental fog especially early on. Grieving is hard work and taxes the body both physically and emotionally. Clients are often surprised at the physical toll that grief has on their body. Grief shows up in the form of headaches, stomach aches, body aches and digestive problems. It has also been shown to produce a compromised immune system and increased inflammation within the body in addition to causing general fatigue, insomnia and joint pain. Grief often mimics and causes symptoms of depression, robs an individual of all of their energy and motivation, and, when combined with trauma symptoms can result in anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and substance abuse problems. It is always important to include your physician and mental health provider in your treatment team when healing from a sudden loss.
4. The 4th challenge I would like to address is the effort it takes to Deal with others who just don’t understand what you are going through
My clients often describe the disconnect they feel from friends and loved ones who just don’t understand what it’s like to exist after a sudden loss along with the feeling that no one gets you anymore.
After the death of a loved one survivors used to be surrounded by well-wishers and meal trains with condolences and promised support during their difficult time. During COVID many grievers were denied this community and had to face early mourning on their own. As COVID has become a permanent part of our world it has also impacted the support those of you grieving get or are comfortable receiving.
When early support is available it is rarely sufficient in quality or quantity for the needs of people who have experienced a sudden loss. Your needs are different. You need someone who understands that your world has been shattered and all of the sudden your world may feel unsafe. You need family and friends who can help you pick up the pieces, carry your heavy load and give you time to get back on your feet and face the world again. You need support that will understand the energy it takes to get up in the morning, face the day, and confront the world. Unfortunately, there are many people who do not have this type of social support available and have to deal with family and friends who do not understand what they are going through.
Let’s face it, many people do not know what to say after you experience a death of a loved one and many times they choose to say nothing anything at all. Now please hear me, I am not talking about everybody. There are many family and friends who do a stellar job at supporting someone who is grieving. And they do a stellar job despite the lack of a guidebook telling them what you need and how to meet your needs. Unfortunately, these individuals are far and few in between.
My head is full of way too many stories of clients heartbroken, already grieving the loss of a loved one, but now crushed by the loss of family and friends who have dropped them like a hot potato in their time of need, friends who said or did horrible things even if they didn’t intend to, friends who were full of empty promises.
The lack of skill among our society when it comes to helping one another as we grieve becomes even more evident when a sudden loss has occurred. I have heard stories of family members and friends who have shied away from providing support because they were uncomfortable with how a loved one died, they were fearful of their own mortality, or they just didn’t know how to comfort you. Unfortunately, they have let their needs come before your needs and you are left grieving the loss of your loved one who died suddenly and the friends and family you so desperately need at this moment. It is usually someone else who has also experienced the death of someone that they have loved who is able to step up and be with you and your pain.
The final challenge I want to address today is the pain associated with watching the lives of your friends and family move on while you feel stuck in grief.
After a sudden loss your grief can feel like a life sentence without the possibility of parole. It can be painful to watch others get married, graduate, have children, buy homes, go on vacations, get promotions, and so on, while it feels like you are sitting on the sideline, grieving and questioning your future. Part of you wants desperately to be happy for those you care deeply about but the other part of you hurts badly. Perhaps you were the one who was supposed to start a family with your loved one or it was supposed to be you who was supposed to go on vacation with your loved one.
When your loved one suddenly died, part of your future suddenly died too. Watching people you care about continue to go on with their lives and engage in activities that you also had planned with your loved one can leave you feeling robbed, cheated and even angry no matter how much you care about the individuals who are engaging in these positive life events. This can be extremely difficult when you are truly happy for the people you love yet so saddened by the loss of your dreams for your future that will never come to fruition with your loved one who died suddenly. Have compassion for yourself during this time and although you care about those who are moving on with their life, allow yourself to feel both the sadness and envy, anger or jealousy for those you care about as well. Don’t give up hope. Allow yourself to be open to future possibilities for your life as well.
There are so many difficulties associated with living with an unexpected loss. My goal for today was to provide you with an overview of 5 major challenges associated with a sudden death.
These were:
1. Balancing the need to function and live when you feel like a part of you has died.
2. The inability to share your daily events with your loved one who is no longer physically present in the world.
3. Living with the physical and emotional aftermath of a trauma.
4. Dealing with others who just do not understand what you are going through, and finally
5. Watching the lives of others who you care deeply about move forward when you feel stuck in grief.
I am interested in learning more about your biggest challenge living with a sudden loss. Please email them to me at [email protected]. We are still in initial stages of our podcast and we welcome feedback as well.
Our next podcast we will be Wednesday, June 22nd and will be titled Five things you can do right now to begin healing from a Sudden Death.
Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the pain after a sudden death. If you know someone who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss, please tell them to subscribe to our podcast. You can also find me on Instagram @fromgrieftogrowth and on my Facebook page From Grief to Growth. Don’t miss my Facebook lives every other Wednesday morning at 9:00am PDT. Be sure to like my Facebook page and sign up to be notified when I go live so you don’t miss announcements and special opportunities to interact with me. Bye for now. Thanks for tuning in today!
Thank you for listening today. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss sign up for my free mini-course where I will teach you the three truths about living with a sudden and unexpected loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.
