I’m your host, Dr. Jennifer Levin. I am a grief therapist and the founder of From Grief to Growth, the host of the podcast, Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death, and I am the creator and author of the Growing After Traumatic Loss course. I provide support, guidance and teachings to help you with the aftermath of chaos, trauma and grief.
Good morning everyone and welcome back to our second episode of the podcast Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles and pain, trauma and chaos of an unexpected death. I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful feedback we received from our first show, and I am pleased to be back and ready for another episode.
The title of today’s show is “My entire world has turned into chaos – the theory of shattered assumptions”. This is one of my favorite topics to discuss with someone who has recently experienced a sudden loss because it provides so much clarity about what many of you may be feeling.
As you will hear me say so many times after a sudden death, everything changes. Depending on the relationship you have had with your loved one who died, nothing, and I mean nothing, remains the same in your life and the world that you have built may no longer feel safe or make sense anymore. And there is a very real reason for this, and that reason is because the assumptive world that you have built your life around has been shattered or destroyed, leaving you feeling very untethered.
Let’s talk about this assumptive world. Our assumptive world makes up how we view ourselves and others, how we view others and their intentions, how we believe the world should work and how we view ourselves.
In 1992 Ronnie Janoff Bulman wrote about 3 fundamental assumptions that we build our world around and that we confirm over time as we live in the world:
The first assumption is that the world and the people who live in the world are kind and benevolent. By this, I mean the people in the world are well-meaning and they are kind. These days with all of the chaos and the trauma going on worldwide many people have reduced this so called “world” down to the community or the bubble they immediately live in, but nevertheless, let’s assume that for the most part, your world, or however you chose to define it, is well-meaning and the people that you surround yourself with are kind and are caring.
Second, you believe that your world is worthy. This means you assume that the world makes sense and when something bad or negative happens to someone, somewhere or somehow, there must have been a trigger that corresponded to the consequence. In other words, he or she deserved it. Similarly, we believe that individuals are rewarded for their hard work and their behaviors. After all that is what keeps most of us motivated to work hard and take care of ourselves and our families.
Finally, we see the self as worthy. We feel deserving of the rewards for the fruits of our labors, and we evaluate ourselves as good, as moral, and therefore we deserve positive outcomes for our hard work.
Now I want mention there are a few other assumptions that have been added over time, and two by Brewin and Holmes. The first is that world is a predictable place; there is sort of a rhythm and order that occurs in our daily lives, and second, that we as inhabitants have a sense of invulnerability while we live in the world and we definitely know the younger generation feels this way.
Now, when we look at these assumptions as a whole – I personally feel that we need them to function and to survive. They keep us going. They allow us to drop our kids off at school and believe that they are going to be safe while we go to work or go about our day-to-day business. These assumptions allow us to trust in people, they allow us not to live in fear and to go about our lives. Unfortunately, these are just assumptions, they are not guarantees and they are not promises.
When a loved one dies in a sudden and unexpected manner these assumptions are violated. They are broken and we feel betrayed and even wronged. Only then do we realize they were nothing more than assumptions and that we have been vulnerable all along to trauma, to accidents and to numerous catastrophic random life events. However, for some reason we felt protected by these assumptions that we may not have even known existed. And, without their presence, many of us begin to feel extremely vulnerable, anxious, and fearful. I have even had clients who do not want to leave the safety of their own home or do anything that would put themselves or loved ones in harm’s way after they have experienced the sudden death of a loved one.
Perhaps you have noticed that you have had thoughts like this…
* But he was such a good person, he didn’t deserve this
* He or she did everything right, I don’t understand
* I can’t believe this happened to her
These types of thoughts come from violations in your assumptive world.
Unfortunately, once we have experienced a sudden death and our assumptive world has been shattered, the world we lived in and trusted no longer exists and many of you see your world experience through the eyes of mistrust, fear, and anxiety.
You may begin to think your world is unsafe. You may begin to think - I have no control of anything. People are bad. I can’t trust anyone or anything. I am all alone in the world. Life is unpredictable. I can’t protect myself or those I love. Anything can happen at any time. What’s the point?
So, if you find yourself with all those thoughts, you may begin to wonder what do I do? Now, that is a great question. We now know that these assumptions exist, they have been violated and this violation is contributing to the rupture in safety in your life. So how do you live with these shattered assumptions and the devastating death of someone you love so dearly?
There is no easy fix and there’s not one answer that will work for everyone but there are a list of actions and steps that you can take that has provided comfort to the clients I work with.
1. First and foremost – you need to assess and rebuild your assumptions about the world. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done and it is going to take time. For the majority of you, these assumptions were always in the background, and you probably never even knew they existed until they were shattered. It's time to bring them out into the open – identify all of the good that still exists in your world; who are all the good and well-meaning people that are here for you now? Make a list, it can be very helpful. What are all of your benevolent beliefs about the world or your community that still exists? This doesn’t happen right away but in time and with new positive experiences they will be reinforced.
2. When you are ready, challenge and process your beliefs about the world or your life being worthy. You can begin to journal, engage in therapy or conversations with friends – these are great ways to begin this process. A sudden death brings up so many existential questions for survivors and when the time is right you will begin to develop narratives that help you come to terms with some of these difficult situations you are currently struggling with right now.
3. Decide you are worthy regardless of the circumstances. Your ability to move towards healing depends on it.
Now, in terms of coping techniques…….
It is so important to recreate and reestablish your safety
1. I have found establishing routine and structure is a great tool here – give yourself something to trust – something that is solid: a time to get up and a time to go to bed. A structured time for meals, activities, exercise, and socialization. If you have gone back to work this is very helpful. This will also help bring back a bit of normalcy into your chaotic life. This is very helpful especially when there are kids involved. One of the first things I do with all of my new clients especially if they have experienced a recent loss is to help them create a structure.
2. Find your tribe. It is so important to surround yourself with people who feel safe and nourishing and learn to say no to individuals who do not. You know who those people are, and I know it can be so hard but sometimes there are well meaning people out there, but they just feel intrusive. Learn how to surround yourself with the people who feel good and to say no to the people who don’t.
3. Self-Care is a must. It’s not a luxury in this situation. Practice good self-care with enough sleep, time with friends, eating well, include some fitness and address medical needs as they come up
4. You need to address the trauma and grief. This can be done through therapy, social support, religion or prayer, or whatever healing focused practice works for you
5. Rediscover your purpose in life pursuits or activities that bring you pleasure. Now, it may take some time before you are ready to do this, or you find something that you are ready to connect with. It is common not to be interested in something or to feel a connection early on but when you are ready, take baby steps to rediscover activities or try new interests or revisit old activities that used to bring you pleasure.
6. Another thing you can do is help others. You can help others through volunteering, teaching, mentoring. This is such a wonderful avenue to help you get out of your pain and to give back to others. This is also a great way to rebuild your assumptive world and find good in the world. There are so many ways to give back in person these days or online and there are so many different age groups that you can work with.
7. And one of my favorite ways, get a four-legged friend. Yes, this is a big responsibility, and not to be taken lightly, but taking care of a pet who can provide unconditional love can be a wonderful way to receive love, comfort and support when you need to be cared for as well.
My hope for today was to provide you with an understanding of why your world feels so scary after experiencing a sudden death of a loved one. The loss of your assumptive world, a world you may not have known existed, is a huge crack in your foundation. Fortunately, there are many things you are able to do to rebuild your assumptive world and begin to reestablish the safety you need.
In our next podcast we will be covering “It All Sucks: Major Challenges of Living With A Sudden Death”
Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the pain after a sudden death. If you know someone who is living with a sudden or unexpected loss, please invite them to subscribe to our podcast. You can also find me on Instagram @fromgrieftogrowth and on my Facebook page From Grief to Growth. Don’t miss my Facebook lives every other Wednesday morning at 9:00am PDT. Be sure to like my Facebook page and sign up to be notified when I go live so you don’t miss announcements and opportunities to interact with me. Bye for now and thanks for tuning in today! Take care.
Thank you for listening today. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss sign up for my free mini-course where I will teach you the three truths about living with a sudden and unexpected loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.
